Month: Oct 2021

NI Centenary 2021: Officially the shittest thing anybody has ever celebrated

Well, Congratulations Northern Ireland. We made it to the big 1-0-0. 100 years old. Party Time!

Is this the milestone that gets you invited to Buckingham Palace for a few pints and a scone, or is this the milestone the Queen just sends you an ‘oul shitty letter?

Either way, who knew, I mean seriously holy sh*t. We are the State equivalent of an addict with a life long heroine, coke and alcohol habit slowly destroying ourselves internally – only we’ve combined this with an effortless ability to acquire bomb making materials.

The only question is what do we celebrate first?

I know, I know, it’s obviously that time we beat Spain at football 40 years ago, or maybe that time we beat the English at Windsor Park, when it was still called Windsor Park.

So let’s do something a bit different from the standard 10 Greatest Northern Irish Achievements list. Otherwise I’ll just call this page The News Letter. Let’s do the…

5 Things Not To Mention During The Centenary Celebration 2021:

The Orange Order/Marching Season

Yep, I went there. I can already sense the faint smell of aggressive online abuse coming my way, but hey-ho. Also I know this isn’t only in N. Ireland, but that’s where its focus is, so let’s not be pedantic.

What in the name of holy shit is the Orange Order all about? It’s a lot of marching about in formal dress with drums that are unnecessarily big, and those big awkward looking flags with pictures of events that only your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great Granny and Granda would have been alive for.

It doesn’t exactly scream 21st Century, does it? If it was a bunch of older fellas marching about commemorating a battle from 400 odd years ago, I’d understand a little bit.

But what is the craic with the young ones taking part? It’s like some parallel dimension found only in N. Ireland, where the kids who are in the marching band are the cool ones.

Listen I get the ‘event’ of the whole thing, I really do…

Have it outside in July, it’s gonna be hot(ish) – I’m on board!

Call it a public holiday and give (almost) everyone a day or 2 off work – Don’t mind if I do. Gracias mi Orange amigos.

Make it socially acceptable to get pished in a big field – I’m in!

Have a midnight pre-party where we throw a load of stuff into a big pile and set it off in one giant fire – Yes! Actually, I think we might be best friends soon.

Stand around for hours watching marching bands walking along the road who are dressed like a cross between a soldier and a bus conductor – F*ck it, I’m out.

Come on ffs. Let’s bring it into the modern era! What about a samba band, or a DJ or something? Why not have a celebrity bare knuckled boxing match between King Billy and King James? Give us something to spice it up, please.

Maybe if the local nationalist residents who object to a parade from time to time knew they were going to get a DJ Shadow remix of The Sash, they might be more likely to let the marches pass by.

Aside from the whole weirdness, if a group of band nerds is going to march close to your house early on a saturday morning – Fucking let them.

Go about your day, take the kids to football, sleep away your hangover, go get a fry, or go watch the band nerds.

The day that people stop giving a shit about these parades is the day that all the hangers-on decide to lie in bed instead of traipsing down the road after the parades. When all these loonytoons piss off, then the years ahead will mean the only people parading will be a bunch of old, religious bus conductors that you see once a year.

It also astonishes me how the residents objecting to the marches have an encyclopedic knowledge of Orange/Protestant/Unionist music.

Segregation

Yee-haw, welcome to Jim Crow era U-S-oh, it’s actually Norn Iron. Yep that’s right, in 2021 we are operating a policy of housing and schooling segregation.

We love to keep a good old-style tradition going. So as of right now we have significant areas of housing that are separated between what are dispairingly called ‘catholic areas’ and ‘protestant areas’.

In many, many places (more than before the Good Friday Agreement was signed) we have huge brick or steel ‘Peace Walls’ (laugh out loud moment). We also make use of business parks, abandoned buildings and wastelands of unused space to separate our 2 communities. Enough to bring a tear to the eye, but wait…

WE SEGREGATE OUR CHILDREN TOO! We have Catholic Schools and Protestant schools. Yep, seriously. As the bible famously doesn’t say ‘Our children shalt never meet children not of our kin, lest they be tainted’.

There is a smattering of integrated schools too. These schools only educate around 6 – 7% of our children, despite overwhelming public support to integrate our schools. So most people want integrated education, but it’s not implemented. Welcome to our special brand of NI Democracy.

Even more grotesque is our ‘shared education’ sham where catholic and protestant children share the same school campus (and play areas) but do not freely mix.

So kids in Northern Ireland go to school – in the main – only with children from their own religious background. Then go home to their houses in areas that are almost exclusively filled by people from their own religious background.

Is it any f**king wonder this country is such a shambles?

If those who ran this country genuinely wanted to reconcile the ‘two communities’ (which is an utter nonsense of a phrase) they would aggressively and pro-actively implement an integrated schools and housing policy.

Top Secret Fact: Now whisper this, but it could be suggested that our Politicians don’t want integration, because they depend on division for votes. Sshh! Wink Wink Nudge, say no more.

DUP/Sinn Fein

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls I give you Sinn Fein and the DUP – The two biggest parties in Northern Ireland! (APPLAUSE!)

One of these political parties continue to commemorate those who murdered and killed innocent people for 35ish years, and the other lot support those brought to trial for murder, and want a law passed preventing ex-armed forces members accused of murder to be brought to trial.

Both are particularly loyal to those from ‘their’ side who carried out murders here, but carry a particularly pure form of hatred towards murderers from ‘the other side.’ This is called hypocrisy, friends.

Seriously, these are the 2 biggest parties in the assembly. These people run our government. How does that make you feel inside? I hope you’re angry.

Actually think about it some more.

In one corner we have the Marriage equality hating, gay conversion therapy supporting, Loyalist terrorist ambivalent, the earth is 15 minutes old absolute moonbeams of the D.U.P.

In the other corner we have the ‘socialist’ Let’s rubber stamp civil service redundancies, sell off public land, produce a Catholics v. Protestant election leaflet, refuse to light up city hall for unionist celebration, kingsmill anniversary loaf on the head PR masters of Sinn Fein.

If these 2 parties were written into a film the critics would call it unbelievable. Slapstick. Like a carry on film with lots of sectarianism and populism thrown in.

Well Done Northern Ireland for continuing to vote for these muppets in such consistently high numbers. If voting for them was some sort of piss take then I’m here to tell you the joke is old. Really old.

Murals and Flags

Piggybacking on our Segregated housing section is flags and murals.

Flags are extremely important to many people in Northern Ireland. Do not mess with their 5ft x 3ft piece of coloured cloth. These mass produced items are absolutely precious.

Flags also ensure that it is clear whether your area is a catholic/protestant one, and to signify that no catholic/protestant (delete as applicable) should ever consider living here. Often when new housing areas are built then people will come and fly flags around the area to ‘claim’ it as ‘theirs’. Much the same way dogs piss on trees and claim them.

The agreed etiquette is that they should be on as many lamp posts as possible. Please also note that the next street to yours will take the piss out of you if your street doesn’t have as many flags as theirs.

There was once a quaint little tradition – that may still operate in some areas – that meant if you didn’t have a flag flying from your house then the boys with woolly faces would come round and politely ask you to put one up. If flags weren’t really your thing, then they would ask for a little financial donation to ease their troubled hearts over your anti-patriotic front garden.

Murals. Well, what really can you say about these. Admittedly there are some murals in Northern Ireland showing images of our history. They’re pretty amazing.

But lets be honest, our most famous ones are the ones with balaclavas and guns. Now, Republicans have a tiny flickering light bulb in their head and their most outwardly public murals normally portray their heroes with long flowing hair and a half smile showing the good nature of Republican gunmen. This is good when the tourists come calling. If you want the real AKs and balaclava murals normally you have to travel deeper into housing estates, where they probably think no tourists are likely to end up.

Loyalists on the other hand couldn’t give a flying fiddlers. They’re happy to portray themselves as skeleton-headed gun-toting maniacs for anybody who wants a look.

They try to show their soulful side sometimes – ‘Prepared for Peace. Ready for War’. Reading between the lines though most of us see ‘Prepared for EU Peace Money. Ready to build a criminal enterprise, mainly around drug dealing.

Needless to say the majority of the flags, murals, kerbs painted are insecure territory marking. This is obviously linked to the segregated housing mentioned earlier.

So, how exactly are people allowed to fly flags supporting terrorist organisations? Who was it gave the OK for terrorist organisations to be glorified on the side of a gable end house?

Why is there no talk of removing all this shit? Because… … come on…. you can get it… Yes! That’s it! Because this is Northern Ireland were painting the face of terrorists on the side of houses is the done thing. Of course that is totally 100% normal. Totally.

So yeah, anyway, let’s keep the whole marked out territory thing out of the Centenary discussion.

The Troubles

So I was trying my best to ignore this part, but it turns out that’s impossible. So ignoring the whole bloodshed that took place before our modern day ‘troubles’ – we shouldn’t mention the troubles. It’ll put a real dampener on the 100 year birthday party we’re going to have.

For nearly 30 years, Loyalists, Republicans and the security forces murdered people. Some have more responsibility than others for the deaths but whatever background you were from, you were a legitimate target for somebody. Bloody Sunday, Shankill Bomb, Greysteel, Kingsmill, Collusion, Omagh. Murders.

What has any of it achieved for anyone? What does the sh*te our Politicians still go on about achieve for anyone?

Thousands of people died over which colour of coloured cloth flies over government buildings.

100 year celebration? Celebrating what?

MJS

Private: MP Eyes Only – UC Uplift

** Private & Confidential – For the eyes of Members of Parliament Only **

Dear Chaps! (and you women),

Congratulations on our great success. We’ve managed to remove the Universal Credit Uplift that the scroungers were getting. As from the old Latin, Upliftus Expelliamus!

If I do say so myself, timing the end of the uplift to the same date as my big speech was a masterstroke. While all the peasants were crying over their free money being taken, the papers were talking about Baldy Duncan Smith getting bonked by a traffic cone. Let’s not pretend we haven’t all thought about doing that before!

(Only joking Duncers)

Even that bloody big mouth Marcus Rashford couldn’t stop us this time. Too busy listening to that God awful rap music and kicking footballs I suspect.

It was touch and go for a while but you all played your parts magnificently. We’d ruddy well put Hollywood to shame with the crocodile tears gushing out of half of you.

Even those little irritants in the devolved governments looked like they were going to cause some issues. In the end, what did Scotland, Wales and the Irish do? They sent a bloody letter. Fantastic, I nearly wet myself laughing when it arrived. My secretary could barely talk for laughing when she told me about it. A letter! Bloody hell! Marvelous.

Credit where it’s due though, those marxists in the Labour Party played their part to perfection. The videos with sad faces hanging off them and emotional tales from their constituents. You played a ruddy blinder. I was worried for a bit when that Raynor woman really went to town on us. Tory Scum indeed. Worked marvelously in our favour, really made it all seem so genuine.

As I always say though, what’s said and agreed in the pubs of Westminster, stays in the pubs of Westminster.

Keep your bloody mouths shut!

We’re not quite at the point of publicly boasting how we’ve screwed over the poor, but that will come soon enough. For now, let’s keep that good old Britannia tight lipped, no careless talk spirit.

If some twit from the Guardian or some other Communist publication should get hot and bothered about things do not let them get you riled.

Now is not the time to say Universal Credit is for scroungers.

Apparently 42% of people on benefits are in work. By fuck if I knew that! But its facts like these that will absolutely bugger us if more people hear about them. Play dumb! Dodge, Deflect, Dive, Duck, Dumb. Usual tactics.

If needs be tell the old duffers we’re building a hospital with the money saved, or a petting zoo or whatever old codswallop will shut them up.

‘Facts’

One of the office interns told me the universal credit uplift makes up about 13% of an average UC scroungers monthly payment. After giving the little oik a good old thrashing for talking before being spoken to, I thanked him. It’s important to know thy enemy.

If these people would just go and get a better paid job, or walk up to their managers with a bit of the old British bulldog spirit and demand a pay rise, they wouldn’t be in this position.

As usual, standard operating procedure applies. Any difficult questions should be given short shrift – ‘no comment’, or if you’re feeling frisky give it a good old ‘fake news!’.

Our friends in Labour should stick to script too! Sad faces… Vivienne from my constituency said… it’s terrible.. yada yada.. and then bloody well get talking about that goddamn petting zoo!

Other than the usual suspects – bleeding heart snowflakes crying about the poor, we will be in the clear in next to no time.

Our donors and chums in the usual places – Mail, Times, BBC etc have been told to back off, so feel free to have a chat with them.

** Good Morning Britain is to be avoided **

Also, common sense approach to be taken around expenses. I don’t want somebody sniffing around expenses for anymore duck ponds, cinema rooms or bloody well ‘business trips’ to the Caribbean. Time to lie low for a few days until this all blows over. If they really looked into what our expenses go towards, when we’re making over £80,000 salary a year, we’d be buggered! If you’ve any business friends producing invoices as and when required, please make sure they’re reliable, or you have some leverage on them!

This has been an absolute bloody home run for us and it couldn’t have been done without your help. Though let’s be honest, it was mostly me. Thank you anyway, you wonderfully horrible people.

Faithfully,

Prime Minister Boris D.H. Johnson

** The above article is satirical and I have no evidence to indicate the above is a true reflection of real facts or anybody’s genuine beliefs on any matters, especially the matter discussed therein….

Furthermore I release myself of any legal obligations and anybody who has read the above does so in agreement with this viewpoint. Thank you and goodnight**

MJS