Bertie Ahern claims that ‘them Prods are a shower’

In an times shocking interview, former Irish taoiseach Bertie Ahern was deeply critical of the P.U.L. community in Northern Ireland over Brexit and the NI Protocol.

Describing ‘Loyalist’ housing estates as ‘ghettos’, he pointedly explained how stupid he feels they are. ” Go into them smelly protestant ghettos and they haven’t a clue about the NI Protocol” he said. “But then they wouldn’t know about Pythagoras Theorum, the periodic table or f**k all else either.”

“Its well known that catholics live in much nicer areas across the North, and the south of Ireland has eradicated shite houses, so it goes to show it must be a protestant thing.”

Unionist Response

The comments have been strongly criticised by members of all the main Unionist Parties, the DUP, the UUP and the PUP.

DUP leader, Jeffrey Donaldson strongly believes there is no merit in the comments. “Irish people don’t have the first clue about the Unionist community. For starters, I got an A in my 11 plus, so ha! Also, I most certainly do not live in a ghetto, I have extensive private lands. Edwin Poots on the other hand, his house literally smells of cow poop” he chuckled.

Found lazing on a bench in botanic gardens, UUP Leader Doug Beattie asked for patience until he finished rolling his joint.

“Sorry man I can’t do two things at once, it messes with my karma man. Bernie who? Oh Bertie man. Yeah man he gotta chill, am I right? Too much anger man, he just gotta chill. Peace and love man that’s what I say to Bertie. You need peace and love.” He said as his eyes began to glaze over.

Sinn Fein backs Bertie Ahern

Sinn Finn leader in Northern Ireland, Michelle O’Neill gave her backing to the comments.

“He was right and the Unionists know it. They haven’t a fucking clue about the NI protocol. None of us do, so technically he’s right, the pro.. eh… Loyalists don’t know about it either. Plus, some of the places they live are sh*tholes. Granted, that’s because some of our boys bombed them to f**k, but still.”

Self proclaimed leader of the Loyalist Community, Billy Hutchinson of the PUP was damning in his criticism.

“Bertie Ahern is a nobody. I can’t even pronounce his job title fer fuck sake. Listen, most of our boys might not know what the fuck the protocol is all about, but my mate Mervyn does. He’s crazy smart about economics and bespoke trade agreements, and he said it’s a f**king mess, and that’s good enough for me. “

“As for the rest of the guys, they know how to get a good fire going on a bus. Even Dirty Bertie can’t deny that one” he said with a wink.

When asked to withdraw his comments and asked whether he thought they could be construed to be sectarian, Bertie Ahern was unrepentant.

“There’s not a single sectarian bone in my body. It’s just them prods are a right shower of moany bastards.”

The controversy looks set to rumble on amidst the ongoing negotiations around the NI protocol. After the EU suggested that people should be ‘prepared for war’ over the negotiations, many feel Bertie Aherns input is also unhelpful, irrelevant, clueless and he’s not involved in it so should just keep his f**king sectarian nose out of it.


Loyalism shouts “Look at me, look at me!”

Good Morning Northern Ireland. You’re looking well. That is if you ignore the burnt out buses, and racist graffiti.

How can anybody read our local news and still feel that there are legitimate political parties to vote for? Sorry but any humour or satire has been beaten out of me by the news.

So – people, who I will not suggest are terrorists or hoods or criminals or d*ckheads (but who are all of those things) have burnt another bus. This is over the NI protocol, which wasn’t a big deal for a long time. Until Unionist Politicians made it a big deal. Now its emergency battle stations.

So, now tension has been increased on purpose by politicians who are meant to know better, then buses start to be hijacked and burnt and those involved in protest attempt to drag it into a sectarian battle at Lanark Way.

DUP, UUP, TUV all wash their hands of this of course. Not us, guv’. Bullsh*t.

So we then hear that yesterday’s man, Billy Hutchinson has decided he has something to say for the first time in 20 years. Now, Billy is involved with the P.U.P. The PUP are involved with the U.V.F. Bus gets burnt in Newtownabbey and on that same night P.U.P. can no longer support Good Friday Agreement. It’s almost like it was co-ordinated. Do you see where I’m going with this?

People – potentially from Loyalist Paramilitary Groups (one example of these groups is the U.V.F.) – burn out a bus. Their political reps immediately withdraw support for peace process. Please can we not forget that Jeffrey Donaldson, Doug Beattie and (totally against terrorists) Jim Allister brought Billy Hutchinson along for the ride on the NI protocol. They went for their wee jolly trip with him.

The leaders of Unionism/Loyalism have just orchestrated a campaign fully aware street violence would be the result. They’re probably just raging they haven’t been able to drag the fenians into it… yet.

The P.U.P. decision, which will give further justification to all sorts of nutcases who want to burn buses, Souther Reg. Cars and start some recreational sectarian rioting is, at best, childish. Its also dangerous, pathetic, cringeworthy. It gives certain people the veneer of political legitimacy to their criminality.

Billy Hutchinson is jumping up and down, waving his hand in the air and looking for attention. The P.U.P. were, and are, relative nobodies in local politics. They’ve now been legitimised as some sort of relevant political force. I’m not even going to get into how the NI protocol is so far removed from the G.F.A. that removing support for one because of the other is a complete load of shite.

Let us summarise though. This is the P.U.P. and U.V.F. attempting to act as the voice of Loyalism by moving first. The DUP, UUP and TUV all benefit by claiming this is the frustration of the entire P.U.L. community bubbling over. Again, this is lies.

The leaders of ‘moderate Unionism’ are orchestrating this. They knew this would happen. Any legitimacy they had from some of the rhetoric that was coming from the E.U. side, is now gone.

Let’s never forget this. Wherever the violence goes, who is dragged into it, and who is injured – This has been actively started by the leaders of the DUP, UUP and TUV.

Legitimate grievances over the NI protocol or not, the actions of Unionism will be counter productive for their own political hopes. If you want to know why Unionist voters are flocking to vote Alliance, open your eyes.


License Plate Carries out Sectarian Attack in Belfast

A watching crowd were left in total shock when a license plate carried out a sectarian attack before being restrained, and eventually burnt, by the victim.

Local resident Mervyn Pillow seen the whole thing unfold from start to finish.

“Well I had just got myself a KFC – Zinger box meal with coke, if you’re wondering. I was walking along eating it and minding my own business when I heard a sectarian slur being shouted. I looked up and a license plate – that looked foreign – shouted ‘Up The ‘Ra’ and ‘I love the NI Protocol’ then lunged at a man in a Rangers Top.”

When asked to confirm if he was actually saying a license plate had shouted something then lunged at a man, he continued.

“Swear to god, yes. Couldn’t believe it. Most sectarian license plate I’ve ever seen. It was just lucky there was no loss of life today. Well obviously except for the license plate and the car it was attached to.

A crowd heard the commotion and ran out of the Rangers Club to subdue the attacker, and lucky they did. Although I was in shock myself I was just able to set my KFC down on a bench and get a few boots in to the wee b*tard. It wouldn’t stop though, it was like a license plate possessed.”

When we asked the P.S.N.I. officer at the scene about Mervyn’s claims, he put his head in his hands and asked us to go home.

Mervyn stuck by his story and explained that he didn’t have any issues with foreign license plates, as long as they keep themselves to themselves.

“No, I’ve never had a problem with fenian license plates. I’ve friends at work who are foreign, but this one had been radicalised. I thank god that ‘Whitey’ McComb who drinks in the Rangers club happened to have a container of petrol on him that he doused the license plate with and burnt it.

The license plate gave out an almighty last squeal and shouted protocoooooooool. A wee bit like Mel Gibson at the end of Braveheart.”

Local community workers have asked people to be vigilante, and to keep an eye on their kids. They are advising under no circumstances should anybody approach any foreign license plates. They should all be assumed to be dangerous and unpredictable.

Community Worker Cokey Williams claimed the community was on edge.

“This has been a terrifying ordeal for all those attacked by the license plate, and for the entire Protestant community. The worry now that this is not a lone wolf attack, and that the license plate may be working as part of a co-ordinated terrorist cell. We’re having a community vigil tonight to pray together for no further attacks”.

Police have appealed for anybody with information to contact them.


Republican Rioters Claim They Weren’t Told Furlough Had Ended

There were remarkable scenes at Lanark Way last night when an open net opportunity to riot was apparently rejected by confused rioters.

A loyalist protest was arranged in opposition to the N.I. Protocol, to take place in West Belfast. In an entirely unfortunate coincidence, this also happens to be the site of a large and historically hostile peace wall between two divided communities.

Incredibly this open invitation for a good ‘oul recreational riot was turned down by rioters on the Republican side. Having been questioned on their non-appearance it seems to bizarrely have been as a result of the Furlough scheme ending.

When asked why they had not shown up as expected veteran member of the Springfield Giants Rioting Squad, Jimmy McDuffy, blamed the Northern Ireland executive.

“I’m angry as a bear after Goldilocks has visited, fuck sake. Nobody told us furlough had ended. We’ve had a pile of riots we’ve missed out on because of a lack of information coming from Stormont. It’s time for our political representatives to explain themselves.

Why go out rioting when you can sit at home and get 80% of your pay anyway? By the time you get the taxi up and home, and get a chinese afterwards, you’re talking the guts of 30 quid. But if I had have known the Loyalists were busting for a firework fight I’d have been there in an instant. In a funny way, I miss them. It’s them I feel sorry for actually, especially these cold nights.”

Nobody within the Stormont executive was willing to respond to requests for comment on the matter at time of printing. Though Jimmy McDuffy has stated he plans to start a campaign to bring furlough back in, at least until the nights are brighter and the better weather comes in.

Loyalist sympathy

When told about Jimmy McDuffy’s claims of not knowing about the end of Furlough, his opposite number sympathised. Sammy Orchard from the Shankill Devils Riot Collective.

“I know where he’s coming from, I didnt know it had ended either at first. Jim Allister had been on the phone about getting the lads back out to work. He told me furlough had ended but I didn’t believe him. As the saying around here goes ‘There’s only one thing full of more sh*te than a communal toilet, and that’s Jim Allister’. How could anybody trust that big red face anyway.

So anyway, off he went and 20 minutes later I’d Jamie Bryson on the phone about it. Now Jamie is a man of great integrity and intelligence, so that’s when I knew it must have ended.

I still couldn’t believe it when the Springfield boys didn’t show up, but that furlough thing explains it. I sympathise with them, but the Belfast Riot Commission will have this down as a win for us, since they didn’t show up. Nothing I can do about that”.

Community Workers

Local community workers were also left confused and upset about the incident. They had expected to be out to be seen preventing young rioters from attacking from the Republican side, but it didn’t happen.

Local community worker Seamus McHardy seen both the pros and the cons of the riot not taking place.

“Usually we try stop them – not that it ever works like. Tonight though makes it look like we’ve achieved something so I guess that’s good in a funny way. I wish I had’ve known in advance though because it is absolutely freezing and my wife said she’s going to watch the next episode of Squid Game and won’t wait on me getting home. Pissed off doesn’t cover it.”

It’s yet to be seen whether the incident and the end of furlough will mean a return to the streets for the Sprinfield Giants Riot Group, though an appeal is expected to be made against the Win being granted to the loyalist side.

If the S.G.R.G. decide to focus their efforts on re-implementing furlough, then it could be a long and lonely winter for the Shankill Devils. Left to their own devices and with only police to riot with, the sadness was palpable.

“Everybody knows the PSNI are the wooping boys of the riot scene.” Said Sammy Orchard. “They’re just lucky there’s no relegation, or they’d be fucked. For the sake of the sport we need the Springfield Giants back on the streets”

The community and fans of watching riots on the news will wait with baited breath to see if the invitation will be accepted.

As always we will keep you updated with any exclusive news, as soon as we think of it.


Protestant Action Force defend burning of bus

In an explosive interview, the ‘Protestant Action Force’ who claimed responsibility for the hijack and burning of the bus in Newtownards yesterday showed no remorse for their actions and threaten more is to come.

Interviewed in a secret location as they try to evade arrest after the incident yesterday, they doubled down on their opposition to the NI protocol and dismissed any suggestion of remorse.

Q. Do you feel your actions hijacking and burning a bus were justified?

“Well, we’re not sorry for what we’ve done. Not only will this show the E.U. that we mean business, we’ve also really put Newtownards on the map. We’ll no longer be called the Sewer of North Down. Now we will be known as the epicentre of P-U-L opposition to the NI protocol.”

Q. How do you feel about the trauma and distress caused to the driver during the attack?

He should be happy we dragged him from the bus as he went about his work, so he should. My mate went off work on stress after being assaulted. He got full pay, and Translink will sort this guy out too. My friend only had 5-6 years of counselling and he was right as rain.”

Q. The NI Protocol has been in place for quite some time. Why choose now for this attack?

“We’ve always been huge fans of the Leaders of Unionism. We have all of their albums and never miss a show. Jeffrey gave this as the date for the Protocol to be cancelled, or there’d be action.

I was a bit disappointed the Leaders of Unionism never reply to my letters or watsapps, and don’t really get in touch except when they need to get a crowd out, but hopefully they’ll write to us after this.

The Protocol must go. There can not be a border between fellow British citizens. I have no doubt her majesty the Queen is fucking rage about it all.”

There was a brief argument between the two representatives of the PAF when one of them accidentally used the other’s real name. After asking me to promise I wouldn’t publish the name or tell anybody we continued.

Q. The Leaders of Unionism have totally condemned your actions. How can you suggest you did this because of them?

[Edit: At this point both men burst our laughing and repeatedly winked at me then said the words] “Wink, Wink – Nudge, Nudge” while continuing to wink then finished with “Condemnation, wink”.

Q. Can the people of Northern Ireland expect more of these attacks?

“We have BIG [the speaker asked me to emphasise big] plans for the future. We’re modelling our tactics on those Insulate Britain people. Now obviously they’re wackos like, going on about that climate stuff, but they get publicity.

We’re hoping to make all of our actions traffic related too. We tried glue ourselves to the road last week, but we used my wee girls PVA glue from her school pencil case and it was sh*te. Didn’t stick hands to the road at all. It was a messy nightmare, fuck sake”.

There will be no surrender and no peace until the Protocol is crushed. Or at least until an alternative is agreed that we’re told is ok to agree with”.

Q. Why the use of ‘Protestant’ in your name when this is a political, not a religious issue?

“We had wanted to call ourselves prods again.. I mean Protestants Against The N.I. Protocol Forever- P.A.N.I.P.F. Some of the lads had trouble remembering all the letters, and spelling protocol is a bastard to be honest. So we agreed on P.A.F.”

But come on, don’t play dumb. It is the protestant people who are being sh*t upon by Republicans. This is the Sinn Fein Protocol”.

Q. It was actually the British Government with the acceptance of Unionist leaders who agreed the Brexit deal. What’s changed?

“It was who? Ack your head is full of sweetie mice. Everybody knows the E.U. is simply a Sinn Fein puppet. It’s E.U./IRA. The protestant, Unionist, Loyalist people will accept no more.”

Sadly it looks like more attacks can be expected in the near future. The leadership of the P.A.F. suggest they have up to 7 men willing to commit violence in opposition to the Protocol. This will increase to 8 in the near future when one of their members, “Barney”, comes off the nightshift and is available.

Political leadership is required to defuse the tension. We will report further with information as we get it.