Sinn Fein consider returning salaries

Sinn Fein Leader in Northern Ireland, Michelle O’Neill, suggested that her party may consider returning all of their MLA salaries for the past 6 months.

When asked why this was being considered, Ms. O’Neill spoke about the difficulties within both main Unionist parties.

“Without suggesting that our team of MLAs are not ready to work, or up to the work, it feels like the salary is unearned.” She continued.

“Given the troubles Jeffrey Donaldson has had with his double jobbing request, and just a shambles of a party really, it doesn’t feel like we have political opponents right now. When they screw everything up for themselves, we’ll just let them tear away. To put it bluntly, we’ve really been doing fuck all squared.”

“We’ve had a couple of students in releasing a few half hearted statements, but really what’s the point? If we say or do too much we’ll end up making a mess of something like the Unionists have done.”

“Even the big puppy dog, Doug Beattie of the UUP, turns out he’s a misogynist and a racist. Who knew. Just shows, you can like a man’s beard, but still think he’s a gobshite. The only positive for him is his leadership lasted longer than Edwin Poots.”

“Lucky in some ways I guess – even Sinn Fein being Anti-Fox Hunting in the 26 counties and voting to retain fox-hunting in the 6 counties barely registered. Even when we’re shit, we’ll never be as bad as the Unionists.”

Sinn Fein say they have made no concrete decision on the matter and will vote on the issue at a meeting of their Northern Ireland leadership by the end of the week.

Some comments from other Sinn Fein reps have suggested other options have been considered with the funds, including a huge ‘political training event’ for all Sinn Fein members – to take place in Ibiza.

Also under consideration is to commission an artist to create a huge 40 foot bronze statue of Gerry Adams, which would replace the ‘balls on the falls’ at Broadway roundabout. Sources though say the cost of security for the statue may prove prohibitive.”

When questioned on whether they would consider something similar an SDLP spokesman said they are not currently considering to return any salaries.

“There is a cost of living crisis. In the Stormont canteen the price of fresh cream buns has increased from £1.10 to £1.90 within the last 2 months. In such uncertain times it would be negligent of us to expect our MLA team to absorb these additional costs. They added “We don’t all get to have £500 a seat fundraising dinners with business leaders”.

Other parties at Stormont were unavailable to officially comment though two Unionist MLAs – who wished to remain anonymous – said they would be suggesting the ‘saying nothing is the best policy’ to their respective parties at the earliest opportunity. One of who said “If only we’d heard about this policy before now we ‘d have saved a whole lot of bother…”.


Support for United Ireland surges after extra holiday pledge

A poll released today showed a huge rise across Northern Ireland in support for a United Ireland after an extra holiday announcement from the Irish Government.

The poll, which was commissioned by polling experts, Ipso Dipso, showed support for a United Ireland now running around 93% in some areas.

The shocking increase was prompted by Irish Tanaiste, Leo Varadkar, announcing a public holiday would be added on 1st February and would be St Brigid’s day.

Tanaiste Varadkar also announced an extra holiday in March this year to celebrate the work of health service staff and to remember all those who had died as a result of covid. Ipso Dipso spokesperson, Ellie Infango, said they were surprised by the results as much as anyone and believed the margin of error would not be more than 3-4% points.

Unionist Support for a United Ireland increases

“We couldn’t believe it to be honest” said Ellie, “but the increase seems to have come from right across the religious and political spectrum. We had many Unionists who made clear they now felt they had been wrong to support the Union with Britain, after hearing of the impending 4 day Irish weekend in March.”

“In fact many Nationalists support for a United Ireland had wavered after hearing the news. One participant from a Nationalist background stated that it took him 3 weeks to recover from St Paddys day as it is, without adding another day for drinking.”

Border Poll imminent

There were widespread reports today that many unionist politicians had been inundated with requests from their constituents to change their mind on staying within the U.K. Many were threatened that they would be punished at the next election if they didn’t call a border poll immediately.

Sandy Row goes Green, White and Orange

Sam Mulryne, the owner of the Sandy Row Rangers Supporters Club announced a drastic change to their colour scheme at the club.

“Yeah, so the last time we’d a tricolour in here it was just to burn it, but we’ve already got the guys in to get the painting done. This wall will be green, this one will be white and then an orange feature wall on this side. The painters thought I was taking the piss, but once I showed them the news they were straight down the dulux centre. There’s talk St Brigids day holiday might not start until 2023, but I think that would be disrespectful to such a dear, cherished saint, so it would.”

There are concerns that not all their customers might be just as comfortable sitting in the green, white and orange club, given their historical opposition, but Mr Mulryne was quick to dispute this.

“Listen, we’re all man enough to admit we were wrong. The tricolour has orange in it, so you could actually say it’s more protestant than the Union Jack. Maybe them there fenia… eh.. fellow citizens were right after all. January is a bastard of a month so to get a holiday on 1st February and then again in March would be powerful altogether.” he said as one of the painters walked past with a number of framed pictures of the Queen.

“Them ones are for the skip, we’ve got some lovely canvas pictures of Leo Varadkar to go up in their place”

Sinn Féin frustrated

When asked if she was happy with the results of the latest poll, Sinn Fein Leader in Northen Ireland, Michelle O’Neill was down hearted.

“Well yeah, it’s good and all that like but we wanted to be the ones who won a United Ireland. Now all the Unionists want it too, it’s kinda lost a bit of it’s shine if I’m completely honest. Leo Varadkar has really sh*t on our parade with this announcement. Not sure we’ll even support a border poll in these circumstances.”

It would seem that a border poll will be announced imminently with New-United Irelanders particularly pushing for a poll in time for the 1st February holiday date.

Reports from Westminster suggest Boris Johnson has asked if it could even take place today or in the morning, saying “I don’t care if we give Northern Ireland away, I need something – anything – to take the news focus away from me”

Coalisland Man To Open Off-Licence In Downing Street

Originally posted on Tyrone Tribulations: A Coalisland entrepreneur has won a bidding war on 14 Downing Street and immediately signaled his intention to open a 24-hour off-licence due to high demand from locals. Mickey ‘Bulldog’ Coyle purchased the property on Friday and set up a small stall on Saturday morning to gauge interest from the…

Coalisland Man To Open Off-Licence In Downing Street

Jeffrey Donaldson sends solidarity to low paid workers during ‘Double-Jobbing’ controversy

Jeffrey Donaldson pushed back today against widespread criticism of his attempts to ‘double job’. The MP for Lagan Valley intends to keep his role as an MP while also standing for election as an MLA at the Stormont Assembly.

Many opponents have come out across the political spectrum to condemn the DUP proposal, which had previously been outlawed in 2016.

UUP Leader Doug Beattie claimed there was corruption at play saying “There’s corruption at play”. His criticism continued saying “Man, most days I get up around noon, smoke some grass, listen to some Hendrix or Cypress Hill and make it to Stormont for about 3pm. How is Jeffrey going to make it to Stormont and Westminister on the same day? That ese is loco, man.”

The controversy has been described by DUP sources as ‘fake outrage’. An internal DUP party memo which was leaked to media in N. Ireland – seemingly from Arlene Foster’s official DUP mail address – stated that “all members should take the approach that all the other parties are just ‘a bunch of gurny jealous f**ckers’. This is our official line and there should be no deviation from this.”

Boris Johnson has been dragged into the furore and the Alliance Party has described it as an attempt by the Conservative government to ‘prop up’ the DUP. A Conservative Party spokesperson in response said ‘D’uh, yeah, and what? Anything to take the heat off Boris.”

When asked for a comment on his intention to double-job, Jeffrey Donaldson referenced the current economic climate.

“I think we can all agree it’s been a difficult year for all of us – mentally, financially, politically and socially. All of us gig workers have been particularly badly hit. For the last 12 years I’ve been working as a Daniel O’Donnell lookalike and tribute act. Since Daniel stopped working due to covid, I was absolutely raking in the work. Swimming in £20 notes so I was.

Now that Daniel is back on the road the gigs have really dried up for me. I don’t think anybody realises that MPs are being asked to survive on a meagre £81,000 plus food, electricity, accommodation and travel expenses. It’s deplorable in this day and age.”

“Since Furlough has ended all of us in the artistic industries have been left to fend for ourselves and taking the second job at Stormont will simply help me top up my income.”

“Let me make a point. One of my constituents, Sharon, currently works a 40 hour week cleaning offices across Northern Ireland. Her mileage allowance is pathetic. So 3 evenings a week and 1 afternoon every weekend she does a shift at Tesco. I don’t hear the SDLP, UUP or Sinn Fein/IRA shouting about Sharon double jobbing. It’s just total hypocrisy.”

When this response about Sharon was put to Sinn Fein leader in Northern Ireland, Michelle O’Neill, she was unimpressed.

“Jaysus sh*te, you think they can’t get any dumber. Sharon is likely to be on minimum wage, with increased fuel and food bills making it impossible for her to survive without a second job. Jeffrey wants 2 jobs in 2 different countries just because none of the other DUP numpties in Lagan Valley have a chance of being elected”.

The issue appears likely to rumble on with Jeffrey Donaldson and the DUP adamant that they will proceed with their plans.