Violent attack used to prove protests are peaceful

Doug Beattie’s constituency office was attacked this morning in an attempt to prove NI Protocol protestors are non-violent.

Having refused to attend any future NI protocol rallies saying that they are simply ‘anti-good friday agreement’ and designed to ‘raise the temperature’, the UUP leader was quickly condemned by rally organisers.

“We’re dead peaceful” said local bin enthusiast, Jamie Bryson, just before one of his supporters smashed the window of the UUP office.

“We would never resort to violence and all of the protests have been completely peaceful” said Kate ‘What Am I even doing here?’ Hoey, nonchalantly disregarding the hoax bomb attack, and the previous spate of burning buses.

When asked to comment on the attack on his office Doug Beattie refused to criticise those who attacked his office, as he stared out through the smouldering remains, of his cracked window.

“Listen man, these Unionist hermanos are welcome to come here, sit down and talk to me about their, and my own, concerns about the Protocol. We’ve got jaffa cakes, bourbon creams and I’ll even send out for cream buns”. He giggled, as a spliff hung out of one side of his mouth, and wild rabbits quietly ate grass out of his open palm.

“We gotta come together man. Peace, Love and like a Union of people, man. Not Anger, Shouting and broken windows. No way man.”

The UUP vote looks on target to remain around the same, based on recent polls. Despite Doug Beattie’s attempts to create a new, more inclusive friendly brand of Unionism.

“It’s totally not the votes that matter, it’s the positive vibes man. Are we a band of loveable misfits? Maybe. Will the DUP get more votes and seats than us? Probably. Will that make us stoop to being best buds with Jamie Bryson, Kate Hoey and Tomato-Head Jim Allister? No chance man. They’re haters, the UUP are lovers.” He finished, as small colourful birds began to perch on his shoulder.

When asked whether the attack on the office has proven Doug Beattie’s point, Jim Allister completely refuted the suggestion.

“I completely refute that suggestion. How do you know the brick wasn’t attacking in self defence against the window? Maybe the window said something about the brick’s wife. I send my thoughts to the brick right now that he makes a speedy recovery. UUP are part of a saucepan-nationalist front now. They’re lundys and traitors and will have to change their name to the Ulster Irish Republican Army party.

“I admit though Doug Beattie has an impressive beard though.” He added.

It is undoubtedly a pivotal moment for Unionism.


Jim Allister praises Green Party MLAs

Jim Allister heaped praise on the Green Party today after their MLAs successfully steered two bills through at Stormont.

One bill allows for ‘Safe Access Zones’ outside healthcare clinics where women avail of abortion services, and the other allows 10 days of leave from work for victims of domestic abuse.

Performing a stunning U-Turn after having voted against the bills, TUV Leader Jim Allister was amazed by the determination of the small group of Green MLAs.

“I’ve amazed by their determination” he said “They’ve stuck at it and achieved what they wanted. When I seen Claire Bailey afterwards she was running around whooping and high-fiving. Sometimes I think the TUV has really missed out on high-fives.”

“Or maybe I’m just getting too old for this shit” he sighed. “Everytime I vote or say anything the DUP agree with me. That alone is enough reason to realise I must be talking some shite.”

Local weirdo, Douglas McCooth, who keeps vigil outside a healthcare clinic in Belfast refused to believe in Jim Allister’s change of view. “That’s utter nonsense, Jim is a hero of our movement. He is ‘pro-life’, and ‘pro-women should do as they’re advised’. This must be some sort of left wing piss take” he said as he unpacked his sandwich board.

“We’ll continue to come here everyday. It is my human right to shout things at vulnerable women. And follow them of course”.

The new bill on Safe Access Zones is likely to be subject to a legal challenge as God-fearing law-abiding citizens have serious issues understanding how democracy and laws work, when they don’t suit them.

When asked what his supporters may think of his stunning change of views, Mr Allister was unapologetic.

“I look around me every day and see Jeffrey Donaldson, Jamie Bryson, Kate Hoey, my supporters. You know, just a bunch of moany fuckers. I think to myself do I want to spend the rest of my life with these people, then I realised I am these people. It’s time for a change.”

“I’ve already arranged a night on the town with Claire Bailey. She seems good craic, and says she’s gonna get me shitfaced.”

“Maybe being a communist will be fun for a while. I am immediately asking my supporters to give any second preference votes to Green Party candidates. If they’re not available in the constituency, then transfer to People Before Profit”.