Month: Apr 2022

Belfast Catwalk Week 2022 comes to an end

The annual Belfast Catwalk Week 2022 came to a close at the weekend with some stunning outdoor catwalk parades attracting crowds from near and nearer.

Organiser of one of the shows which brought the weekend of famous ‘Catwalk Parades’ to a close, Seamy McKalash said ‘This weekend has been a roaring success. I am so proud of all those who helped make this weekend such a success. It’s been really successful”.

When asked what was the winning concept this year, Mr McKalash said there had been a common theme.

“Just like last year and as always in the Occupied 6 counties, it’s all about the Rebel Army Chic. Flags, balaclavas and berets. Colourful armbands get an honourable mention too though”.

When asked about Belfast’s traditional ‘marching walk’ common at the shows, and which some outsiders believe to look quite unusual, Mr McKalash, dismissed concerns.

“Marching instead of walking like a normal person is a real Belfast Catwalk Week tradition. Sure, it looks like some of them are walking after they’ve sh*t their trunks, but it’s our thing.”

The Belfast Catwalk week has been going for decades and has now grown to include shows staged all over Northern Ireland, including Newry and Derry. There are conditions attached to including shows as part of the event, as Mr McKalash explained.

“Well, first you have to do the catwalk up the road with your big flags. It’s important for the models to be serious. No smiles, no waving. Of course the walk has to finish up in a graveyard – that goes without saying – and then speeches were we remember those who gave their lives to the cause of Irish Fashion.”

“It’s been an incredible Sunday, despite the weather, which I know the models always worry about. One of the guys said he has 10 weather apps on his phone and just goes with whichever one gives him the best forecast”.

Controversy surrounds the parades each year with some feeling that having a Rebel Army theme each year is insensitive to those who had family and friends murdered by various rebel armies who operated in Northern Ireland.

Jim Allister of the T.U.V. (Trade Unionist Voice) said “It’s time for the Belfast Catwalk Week 2022 to diversify and become more inclusive. There are many of us who would absolutely love to take part. I am a huge follower of fashion and have attended shows in Milan, and Slough. The Rebel Army Chic vibe just doesn’t appeal to me. I think there needs to be scope for regular army chic with different colour flags.”

The controversy appears likely to rumble on, however, the traditional graveyard ending has proven to a big success given that the catwalk participants have really contributed to the thriving cemetery scene in Northern Ireland for years.

MJS

Loyalists reject Doug Beattie noose claims

Sources within the Loyalist community today distanced themselves from any suggestion an election poster of Doug Beattie had a noose added to it.

Talking after last nights Anti-Protocol rally in Lurgan, local ‘community activist’ Uri Vincent Ferguson said that a rope had been added to allow the organisers to raise the poster of the UUP leader higher up, so that everybody in the crowd could see it.

“Aye, we heard Doug couldn’t make it, so we just wanted to make sure everybody would still remember him at the event. We were going to hang it from a lamppost but apparently it ‘wasn’t a great idea’.”

When asked who had been involved in the incident Mr Ferguson was visibly frustrated with the media portrayal.

“It’s a conspiracy so it is. Technically, the people of the Protestant, Unionist, Loyalist community decided to do it. I suppose it’s funny in a way. Jim Allister and Jeffrey Donaldson had actually attached the rope and then the photos of them doing it were supposed to be of the two of them taking it down. Gobshites.”

Asked about the incident, Loyalist internet sensation and wheelie bin aficionado, Jamie Bryson was appalled by the incident.

“I told Jeffrey and Jim Allister you cant do that sort of thing, it looks like a noose. Jim just giggled and blamed Jeffrey, but Donaldson just blamed Jim and then started singing Daniel O’Donnell songs. Now that I think about it, it’s a bit embarrassing sharing a stage with these two eejits”.

When asked if he felt calling Doug Beattie ‘lily livered’ and classing UUP as ‘lundys’ may have contributed to the hostile atmosphere, Mr Bryson admitted some blame.

“You know, you might be right. I looked at that election poster and thought how could we possibly do this to a man with such a finely trimmed beard. Really is lovely. I was at Doug’s house once too and he really takes care of his bins, so there’s more to him that just what we see on TV. I’d just like to take the time now to apologise to him.”

Neither Jeffrey Donaldson or Jim Allister were available to comment on the allegations made against them.

Leader of Sinn Fein in the Loyal, Occupied, British Six County Northern Ireland Statelet, Michelle O’Neill, claimed she was not surprised.

“The bunch of numpties haven’t a clue what they’re doing. I know we’ve had a few double agents in our ranks over the years, but I’m starting to think there’s a few double agents within Unionism working on behalf of a United Ireland. We sacked our entire P.R. team because they’re not as effective as simply letting the leaders of Unionism talk out loud. I just hope they look to genuine leaders willing to compromise and move forward with Nationalists, somebody deeply intelligent and impressive. Jamie Bryson, or somebody like that.”

MJS

The events detailed above may not have taken place.