Loyalists reject Doug Beattie noose claims

Sources within the Loyalist community today distanced themselves from any suggestion an election poster of Doug Beattie had a noose added to it.

Talking after last nights Anti-Protocol rally in Lurgan, local ‘community activist’ Uri Vincent Ferguson said that a rope had been added to allow the organisers to raise the poster of the UUP leader higher up, so that everybody in the crowd could see it.

“Aye, we heard Doug couldn’t make it, so we just wanted to make sure everybody would still remember him at the event. We were going to hang it from a lamppost but apparently it ‘wasn’t a great idea’.”

When asked who had been involved in the incident Mr Ferguson was visibly frustrated with the media portrayal.

“It’s a conspiracy so it is. Technically, the people of the Protestant, Unionist, Loyalist community decided to do it. I suppose it’s funny in a way. Jim Allister and Jeffrey Donaldson had actually attached the rope and then the photos of them doing it were supposed to be of the two of them taking it down. Gobshites.”

Asked about the incident, Loyalist internet sensation and wheelie bin aficionado, Jamie Bryson was appalled by the incident.

“I told Jeffrey and Jim Allister you cant do that sort of thing, it looks like a noose. Jim just giggled and blamed Jeffrey, but Donaldson just blamed Jim and then started singing Daniel O’Donnell songs. Now that I think about it, it’s a bit embarrassing sharing a stage with these two eejits”.

When asked if he felt calling Doug Beattie ‘lily livered’ and classing UUP as ‘lundys’ may have contributed to the hostile atmosphere, Mr Bryson admitted some blame.

“You know, you might be right. I looked at that election poster and thought how could we possibly do this to a man with such a finely trimmed beard. Really is lovely. I was at Doug’s house once too and he really takes care of his bins, so there’s more to him that just what we see on TV. I’d just like to take the time now to apologise to him.”

Neither Jeffrey Donaldson or Jim Allister were available to comment on the allegations made against them.

Leader of Sinn Fein in the Loyal, Occupied, British Six County Northern Ireland Statelet, Michelle O’Neill, claimed she was not surprised.

“The bunch of numpties haven’t a clue what they’re doing. I know we’ve had a few double agents in our ranks over the years, but I’m starting to think there’s a few double agents within Unionism working on behalf of a United Ireland. We sacked our entire P.R. team because they’re not as effective as simply letting the leaders of Unionism talk out loud. I just hope they look to genuine leaders willing to compromise and move forward with Nationalists, somebody deeply intelligent and impressive. Jamie Bryson, or somebody like that.”

MJS

The events detailed above may not have taken place.