Priti Patel plotting to “imminently announce a leadership bid”

Rumours circulated today that Priti Patel plans to announce a leadership bid within the coming days.

A source close to Ms Patel claims “She has been rounding up allies and counting bodies to see if she has the support to make a bid – but only if she has a strong chance of success”.

If Ms Patel were to be successful, she would be the first ever woman to be placed in charge of Hell.

Current leader, The Devil, dismissed the rumours as ‘scurrilous gossip” which he feels is an attempt to undermine his leadership.

Privately though it’s believed that The Devil is extremely worried about the ambitious Ms Patel. One source claimed Mr Devil said in a private meeting that ‘Priti’s Rwanda immigration plan alone makes her overly qualified for being in charge of hell. We have to admit we’ve down some extreme things down here, but that Rwanda plan is some next level stuff. Also, I mean f**king hell, she wanted to use Navy ships against people in rubber dinghies.”

An announcement is set to go ahead early next week with Ms Patel believing her current job in charge of destroying immigrants makes her ideally suited for the role in hell.

When asked to comment Ms Patel said that she full supports her current boss, The Devil, and will continue to work together with him “to make things as difficult and horrible for other people as possible.”

It was thought that the current Home Secretary of the U.K. may have manoeuvred for a Conservative Party leadership bid, presumably being put off because laws prevent her from doing as much damage to poor people as she’d like.


Belfast Catwalk Week 2022 comes to an end

The annual Belfast Catwalk Week 2022 came to a close at the weekend with some stunning outdoor catwalk parades attracting crowds from near and nearer.

Organiser of one of the shows which brought the weekend of famous ‘Catwalk Parades’ to a close, Seamy McKalash said ‘This weekend has been a roaring success. I am so proud of all those who helped make this weekend such a success. It’s been really successful”.

When asked what was the winning concept this year, Mr McKalash said there had been a common theme.

“Just like last year and as always in the Occupied 6 counties, it’s all about the Rebel Army Chic. Flags, balaclavas and berets. Colourful armbands get an honourable mention too though”.

When asked about Belfast’s traditional ‘marching walk’ common at the shows, and which some outsiders believe to look quite unusual, Mr McKalash, dismissed concerns.

“Marching instead of walking like a normal person is a real Belfast Catwalk Week tradition. Sure, it looks like some of them are walking after they’ve sh*t their trunks, but it’s our thing.”

The Belfast Catwalk week has been going for decades and has now grown to include shows staged all over Northern Ireland, including Newry and Derry. There are conditions attached to including shows as part of the event, as Mr McKalash explained.

“Well, first you have to do the catwalk up the road with your big flags. It’s important for the models to be serious. No smiles, no waving. Of course the walk has to finish up in a graveyard – that goes without saying – and then speeches were we remember those who gave their lives to the cause of Irish Fashion.”

“It’s been an incredible Sunday, despite the weather, which I know the models always worry about. One of the guys said he has 10 weather apps on his phone and just goes with whichever one gives him the best forecast”.

Controversy surrounds the parades each year with some feeling that having a Rebel Army theme each year is insensitive to those who had family and friends murdered by various rebel armies who operated in Northern Ireland.

Jim Allister of the T.U.V. (Trade Unionist Voice) said “It’s time for the Belfast Catwalk Week 2022 to diversify and become more inclusive. There are many of us who would absolutely love to take part. I am a huge follower of fashion and have attended shows in Milan, and Slough. The Rebel Army Chic vibe just doesn’t appeal to me. I think there needs to be scope for regular army chic with different colour flags.”

The controversy appears likely to rumble on, however, the traditional graveyard ending has proven to a big success given that the catwalk participants have really contributed to the thriving cemetery scene in Northern Ireland for years.


Loyalists reject Doug Beattie noose claims

Sources within the Loyalist community today distanced themselves from any suggestion an election poster of Doug Beattie had a noose added to it.

Talking after last nights Anti-Protocol rally in Lurgan, local ‘community activist’ Uri Vincent Ferguson said that a rope had been added to allow the organisers to raise the poster of the UUP leader higher up, so that everybody in the crowd could see it.

“Aye, we heard Doug couldn’t make it, so we just wanted to make sure everybody would still remember him at the event. We were going to hang it from a lamppost but apparently it ‘wasn’t a great idea’.”

When asked who had been involved in the incident Mr Ferguson was visibly frustrated with the media portrayal.

“It’s a conspiracy so it is. Technically, the people of the Protestant, Unionist, Loyalist community decided to do it. I suppose it’s funny in a way. Jim Allister and Jeffrey Donaldson had actually attached the rope and then the photos of them doing it were supposed to be of the two of them taking it down. Gobshites.”

Asked about the incident, Loyalist internet sensation and wheelie bin aficionado, Jamie Bryson was appalled by the incident.

“I told Jeffrey and Jim Allister you cant do that sort of thing, it looks like a noose. Jim just giggled and blamed Jeffrey, but Donaldson just blamed Jim and then started singing Daniel O’Donnell songs. Now that I think about it, it’s a bit embarrassing sharing a stage with these two eejits”.

When asked if he felt calling Doug Beattie ‘lily livered’ and classing UUP as ‘lundys’ may have contributed to the hostile atmosphere, Mr Bryson admitted some blame.

“You know, you might be right. I looked at that election poster and thought how could we possibly do this to a man with such a finely trimmed beard. Really is lovely. I was at Doug’s house once too and he really takes care of his bins, so there’s more to him that just what we see on TV. I’d just like to take the time now to apologise to him.”

Neither Jeffrey Donaldson or Jim Allister were available to comment on the allegations made against them.

Leader of Sinn Fein in the Loyal, Occupied, British Six County Northern Ireland Statelet, Michelle O’Neill, claimed she was not surprised.

“The bunch of numpties haven’t a clue what they’re doing. I know we’ve had a few double agents in our ranks over the years, but I’m starting to think there’s a few double agents within Unionism working on behalf of a United Ireland. We sacked our entire P.R. team because they’re not as effective as simply letting the leaders of Unionism talk out loud. I just hope they look to genuine leaders willing to compromise and move forward with Nationalists, somebody deeply intelligent and impressive. Jamie Bryson, or somebody like that.”


The events detailed above may not have taken place.

Violent attack used to prove protests are peaceful

Doug Beattie’s constituency office was attacked this morning in an attempt to prove NI Protocol protestors are non-violent.

Having refused to attend any future NI protocol rallies saying that they are simply ‘anti-good friday agreement’ and designed to ‘raise the temperature’, the UUP leader was quickly condemned by rally organisers.

“We’re dead peaceful” said local bin enthusiast, Jamie Bryson, just before one of his supporters smashed the window of the UUP office.

“We would never resort to violence and all of the protests have been completely peaceful” said Kate ‘What Am I even doing here?’ Hoey, nonchalantly disregarding the hoax bomb attack, and the previous spate of burning buses.

When asked to comment on the attack on his office Doug Beattie refused to criticise those who attacked his office, as he stared out through the smouldering remains, of his cracked window.

“Listen man, these Unionist hermanos are welcome to come here, sit down and talk to me about their, and my own, concerns about the Protocol. We’ve got jaffa cakes, bourbon creams and I’ll even send out for cream buns”. He giggled, as a spliff hung out of one side of his mouth, and wild rabbits quietly ate grass out of his open palm.

“We gotta come together man. Peace, Love and like a Union of people, man. Not Anger, Shouting and broken windows. No way man.”

The UUP vote looks on target to remain around the same, based on recent polls. Despite Doug Beattie’s attempts to create a new, more inclusive friendly brand of Unionism.

“It’s totally not the votes that matter, it’s the positive vibes man. Are we a band of loveable misfits? Maybe. Will the DUP get more votes and seats than us? Probably. Will that make us stoop to being best buds with Jamie Bryson, Kate Hoey and Tomato-Head Jim Allister? No chance man. They’re haters, the UUP are lovers.” He finished, as small colourful birds began to perch on his shoulder.

When asked whether the attack on the office has proven Doug Beattie’s point, Jim Allister completely refuted the suggestion.

“I completely refute that suggestion. How do you know the brick wasn’t attacking in self defence against the window? Maybe the window said something about the brick’s wife. I send my thoughts to the brick right now that he makes a speedy recovery. UUP are part of a saucepan-nationalist front now. They’re lundys and traitors and will have to change their name to the Ulster Irish Republican Army party.

“I admit though Doug Beattie has an impressive beard though.” He added.

It is undoubtedly a pivotal moment for Unionism.


Jim Allister praises Green Party MLAs

Jim Allister heaped praise on the Green Party today after their MLAs successfully steered two bills through at Stormont.

One bill allows for ‘Safe Access Zones’ outside healthcare clinics where women avail of abortion services, and the other allows 10 days of leave from work for victims of domestic abuse.

Performing a stunning U-Turn after having voted against the bills, TUV Leader Jim Allister was amazed by the determination of the small group of Green MLAs.

“I’ve amazed by their determination” he said “They’ve stuck at it and achieved what they wanted. When I seen Claire Bailey afterwards she was running around whooping and high-fiving. Sometimes I think the TUV has really missed out on high-fives.”

“Or maybe I’m just getting too old for this shit” he sighed. “Everytime I vote or say anything the DUP agree with me. That alone is enough reason to realise I must be talking some shite.”

Local weirdo, Douglas McCooth, who keeps vigil outside a healthcare clinic in Belfast refused to believe in Jim Allister’s change of view. “That’s utter nonsense, Jim is a hero of our movement. He is ‘pro-life’, and ‘pro-women should do as they’re advised’. This must be some sort of left wing piss take” he said as he unpacked his sandwich board.

“We’ll continue to come here everyday. It is my human right to shout things at vulnerable women. And follow them of course”.

The new bill on Safe Access Zones is likely to be subject to a legal challenge as God-fearing law-abiding citizens have serious issues understanding how democracy and laws work, when they don’t suit them.

When asked what his supporters may think of his stunning change of views, Mr Allister was unapologetic.

“I look around me every day and see Jeffrey Donaldson, Jamie Bryson, Kate Hoey, my supporters. You know, just a bunch of moany fuckers. I think to myself do I want to spend the rest of my life with these people, then I realised I am these people. It’s time for a change.”

“I’ve already arranged a night on the town with Claire Bailey. She seems good craic, and says she’s gonna get me shitfaced.”

“Maybe being a communist will be fun for a while. I am immediately asking my supporters to give any second preference votes to Green Party candidates. If they’re not available in the constituency, then transfer to People Before Profit”.

Police Ombudsman collusion report described as ‘clear as a puddle of sh*te’

There was widespread confusion across Northern Ireland after the publication of a report on RUC-Loyalist collusion by Police Ombudsman, Mrs Marie Anderson.

The report describes ‘collusive behaviours’ by the RUC at the time of UDA/UFF murders in the late 80’s and early 90’s.

Unionist scepticism

Both sides of the political divide in Northern Ireland claimed the report vindicated their views fully. DUP leader Jeffrey Donaldson MP (but not MLA), stated that the report ‘was as clear as a puddle of sh*te. All opinion, not one fact.” He said, while casually ignoring the facts about Special Branch helping Loyalists acquire ‘military grade weapons’.

Mr Donaldson, whose party supported one of the soldiers who was involved in the murder of innocent people on Bloody Sunday continued “Sure what about them’uns? Sinn Fein/IRA must have had informants too. They’re murderers. The RUC was a fantastic force. One of the best ever, if you ask me. What does ‘Collusive Behaviour’ even mean? It sounds like a late night film on channel 5. The RUC fought bravely and proudly against the horrors of Republican terrorism.” he added, fresh from his recent strategy meeting with Loyalist terrorists.

Sinn Fein anger

When questioned about the report, Michelle O’Neill, leader of Sinn Fein in the Northern Occupied Proud British 6 counties revealed her anger at the findings.

“Oh bies, I am real f**king angry over here, hey. Them b*stards were in bed with Loyalist terrorists. This behaviour is not surprising, we knew this, and it’s shameful they helped paramilitaries murder innocent people. There should be consequences”. said the Northern leader of the movement that killed over a thousand people here.

When asked if IRA members who carried out murders during the troubles should also suffer legal consequences for their crimes she said “No way, f**k that. Sure there’d be hardly any of us left not in jail, jaysus.”

The report has opened fresh wounds in Northern Ireland about how to proceed with justice and legacy issues. For now dealing with this matter, just like issues over flags, or paramilitary murals or the NI protocol, or fox hunting seems to be beyond the capabilities of the main parties at Stormont.

Opinion is divided between Unionist views, Republican views, and the truth. Though the DUP and Sinn Fein were both delighted to see a 300% increase in ‘positive engagements’ (or likes) around their tweets on the issue.

Public Opinion

Asking members of the public in Belfast city centre today their views on the matter, many feelings were summed up by one man, who wished to remain anonymous.

Asked whether it was likely to be an extremely difficult issue to resolve given the polarisation between the various political parties, the man was unimpressed.

“Listen, let me make this clear on behalf of all the normal people. It is easy to condemn all murders. IRA murdered people, Loyalists murdered people, some within the RUC and Army murdered – or helped – to murder people. If you’re in a position where you can’t condemn different murderers equally, then you’re doing something seriously wrong.”

He continued “There is a simple solution. We work out who killed who. Then either those murderers go to jail, or we give the whole sh*tting lot of them amnesty from jail and move on with our lives. Simple. If you think ‘your’ murderers should have amnesty from prosecution, but the other ones shouldn’t, then I’m here to tell you, you’re an idiot.”

Sinn Fein and the DUP are likely to ask for a deeper investigation, and also a complete end to the investigation, respectively. Sources for both sides have confirmed that negotiation, compromise or common sense will not be considered.


Leading bands announce NI Protocol Aid 2022

Rumours circulated today about the organising of a large concert to increase attention of, and bring aid to, those deeply affected by the N.I. Protocol.

Olde Time Rockers ‘Leaders of Unionism’ are understood to have agreed to headline the event, with backing from modern electro-rock group ‘Protestant Action Force’.

The man leading attempts to bring the groups together was quietly confident that he would be able to pull it off. “I’m quietly confident I will be able to pull this off”. He said.

Billy Primrose from the Loyalist Community Against Any Attempts to Bring About a United Ireland (L.C.A.A.A.B.A.U.I) group praised the Leaders of Unionism for continuing the tradition of Anti-everything that is steeped in the history of Unionist Music.

“The leaders of Unionism have been one of my favourite bands for years. I don’t want to give away my age but I was there back in the 70’s at all their shows. Obviously the shows were a bit more hardcore back then, and there were more berets, but I’ve loved them ever since. It’s an absolute privilege to help organise what could be their biggest show ever.”

The event seems to have been inspired by local businesses who have been suffering as a result of the N.I. Protocol. Unionist estimates suggest this could be up to as many as four affected businesses.

The event comes on the heels of the Leaders of Unionism’s U.K. tour and the Protestant Action Force’s album release ‘Burning Buses’. Both were thought to have been significant failures, with hopes that NI Protocol Aid 2022 could result in an upturn in fortunes for both bands.

When asked if any other acts were likely to be involved in the event, Mr Primrose said “Yes, we’re very excited to announce Loyalist Singer/Songwriter, Jamie Bryson, will be on first. He’ll probably take the 1.30pm-2pm slot, so I’d suggest showing up around 2.15pm. Though technically he’s not meant to have any other income, so if you could keep his appearance on the down low. Other than that we’re struggling to get many other acts.”

The venue is yet to be decided and has thrown up logistical issues given the current lack of telephone boxes in the Belfast area.

At least 10% of the money raised will be donated to the 4 businesses who have suffered under the N.I. Protocol.

Michelle O’Neill, Leader of Sinn Fein in Northern Ireland was asked what she thought of the proposal.

“Sure they’ve f**k all else to do with themselves haven’t they? Quitting on Stormont when they know there’s always a mid-term party during February. Just because them feckers don’t drink they’re going to ruin it for the rest of us. They can stick their concert up their arses, though I have to admit ‘The Protocol is no good at all’ by the Leaders of Unionism is a catchy tune”.


Unionists eager for world to end

Unionist political parties united yesterday to demand that the NI assembly at Stormont pushes forward in assisting an earlier end to the world than required.

Voting on an amendment tabled by the Green Party NI (now referring to themselves as GPNI in case Jim Allister thinks Green Party refers to Nationalism or Catholicism) committing to net zero emissions by 2050, Unionists rejected the need – and internationally accepted agreement – to halt the deterioration of our world and environment.

The target date – which is extremely conservative compared to the targets of many other nations – was seen as pointless by the Unionist parties in the assembly. The members of the UUP, DUP and TUV agreed with each other that the environment wasn’t really a big deal.

A spokesperson for the DUP – who wished to remain anonymous – said “What even is the environment? There are loads of trees about and why would anybody complain about the world temperature increasing? Sure we always complain Northern Ireland is freezing. Just imagine lying on a beach in your speedos at Millisle in 30°C heat. It’d be paradise. We’d never have to go abroad again”.

Jim Allister of the TUV when asked to comment grumbled something incoherent about Sinn Fein/IRA.

The target date is set to proceed after votes of support for the amendment from Sinn Fein, SDLP, Alliance and the Greens. (Not the nationalists, Jim.)

The once liberal UUP led by ex-progressive, Doug Beattie doubled down on the stance of the DUP.

Their leader, Doug Beattie, fresh from deciding he isn’t a misogynist anymore said “Listen, who cares if the world burns. Think of the tan.” He laughed. “Think of all the women in bikin.. men and women in bikin… eh.. just think of the sunshine. This is nothing to do with trying to win over some of the hardline unionist votes. Future generations can look after themselves.”

He continued “Sure we’ll probably be living on the moon by 2050 anyway. Probably be some of us married to aliens and all by then, living in spaceships. I’d just like to state I’ve nothing against aliens by the way, and I realise anything I said about them in the past is completely wrong.”

Nationalists were dismayed again by Unionist failure to read the room. Sinn Fein leader, Michelle O’Neill condemned them in no uncertain terms.

“Shower of sh*tes so they are. Sure why don’t we just set the world on fire you gormless ‘oul eejits. This just shows that Sinn Fein are like really hip and cool and left wing. Sure we’ve let fox hunting continue, but with this vote we’ve probably saved at least 10 polar bears and up to 40 penguins. I’m sure wee Greta Thurnberg would be f**king raging with these eejits”.

Working towards the target is due to begin in the near future with an exasperated Green Party NI statement saying that ‘contrary to comments on social media, there will be no policy of mandatory veganism, and people will still be allowed to drive cars’.”

Sinn Fein consider returning salaries

Sinn Fein Leader in Northern Ireland, Michelle O’Neill, suggested that her party may consider returning all of their MLA salaries for the past 6 months.

When asked why this was being considered, Ms. O’Neill spoke about the difficulties within both main Unionist parties.

“Without suggesting that our team of MLAs are not ready to work, or up to the work, it feels like the salary is unearned.” She continued.

“Given the troubles Jeffrey Donaldson has had with his double jobbing request, and just a shambles of a party really, it doesn’t feel like we have political opponents right now. When they screw everything up for themselves, we’ll just let them tear away. To put it bluntly, we’ve really been doing fuck all squared.”

“We’ve had a couple of students in releasing a few half hearted statements, but really what’s the point? If we say or do too much we’ll end up making a mess of something like the Unionists have done.”

“Even the big puppy dog, Doug Beattie of the UUP, turns out he’s a misogynist and a racist. Who knew. Just shows, you can like a man’s beard, but still think he’s a gobshite. The only positive for him is his leadership lasted longer than Edwin Poots.”

“Lucky in some ways I guess – even Sinn Fein being Anti-Fox Hunting in the 26 counties and voting to retain fox-hunting in the 6 counties barely registered. Even when we’re shit, we’ll never be as bad as the Unionists.”

Sinn Fein say they have made no concrete decision on the matter and will vote on the issue at a meeting of their Northern Ireland leadership by the end of the week.

Some comments from other Sinn Fein reps have suggested other options have been considered with the funds, including a huge ‘political training event’ for all Sinn Fein members – to take place in Ibiza.

Also under consideration is to commission an artist to create a huge 40 foot bronze statue of Gerry Adams, which would replace the ‘balls on the falls’ at Broadway roundabout. Sources though say the cost of security for the statue may prove prohibitive.”

When questioned on whether they would consider something similar an SDLP spokesman said they are not currently considering to return any salaries.

“There is a cost of living crisis. In the Stormont canteen the price of fresh cream buns has increased from £1.10 to £1.90 within the last 2 months. In such uncertain times it would be negligent of us to expect our MLA team to absorb these additional costs. They added “We don’t all get to have £500 a seat fundraising dinners with business leaders”.

Other parties at Stormont were unavailable to officially comment though two Unionist MLAs – who wished to remain anonymous – said they would be suggesting the ‘saying nothing is the best policy’ to their respective parties at the earliest opportunity. One of who said “If only we’d heard about this policy before now we ‘d have saved a whole lot of bother…”.


Support for United Ireland surges after extra holiday pledge

A poll released today showed a huge rise across Northern Ireland in support for a United Ireland after an extra holiday announcement from the Irish Government.

The poll, which was commissioned by polling experts, Ipso Dipso, showed support for a United Ireland now running around 93% in some areas.

The shocking increase was prompted by Irish Tanaiste, Leo Varadkar, announcing a public holiday would be added on 1st February and would be St Brigid’s day.

Tanaiste Varadkar also announced an extra holiday in March this year to celebrate the work of health service staff and to remember all those who had died as a result of covid. Ipso Dipso spokesperson, Ellie Infango, said they were surprised by the results as much as anyone and believed the margin of error would not be more than 3-4% points.

Unionist Support for a United Ireland increases

“We couldn’t believe it to be honest” said Ellie, “but the increase seems to have come from right across the religious and political spectrum. We had many Unionists who made clear they now felt they had been wrong to support the Union with Britain, after hearing of the impending 4 day Irish weekend in March.”

“In fact many Nationalists support for a United Ireland had wavered after hearing the news. One participant from a Nationalist background stated that it took him 3 weeks to recover from St Paddys day as it is, without adding another day for drinking.”

Border Poll imminent

There were widespread reports today that many unionist politicians had been inundated with requests from their constituents to change their mind on staying within the U.K. Many were threatened that they would be punished at the next election if they didn’t call a border poll immediately.

Sandy Row goes Green, White and Orange

Sam Mulryne, the owner of the Sandy Row Rangers Supporters Club announced a drastic change to their colour scheme at the club.

“Yeah, so the last time we’d a tricolour in here it was just to burn it, but we’ve already got the guys in to get the painting done. This wall will be green, this one will be white and then an orange feature wall on this side. The painters thought I was taking the piss, but once I showed them the news they were straight down the dulux centre. There’s talk St Brigids day holiday might not start until 2023, but I think that would be disrespectful to such a dear, cherished saint, so it would.”

There are concerns that not all their customers might be just as comfortable sitting in the green, white and orange club, given their historical opposition, but Mr Mulryne was quick to dispute this.

“Listen, we’re all man enough to admit we were wrong. The tricolour has orange in it, so you could actually say it’s more protestant than the Union Jack. Maybe them there fenia… eh.. fellow citizens were right after all. January is a bastard of a month so to get a holiday on 1st February and then again in March would be powerful altogether.” he said as one of the painters walked past with a number of framed pictures of the Queen.

“Them ones are for the skip, we’ve got some lovely canvas pictures of Leo Varadkar to go up in their place”

Sinn Féin frustrated

When asked if she was happy with the results of the latest poll, Sinn Fein Leader in Northen Ireland, Michelle O’Neill was down hearted.

“Well yeah, it’s good and all that like but we wanted to be the ones who won a United Ireland. Now all the Unionists want it too, it’s kinda lost a bit of it’s shine if I’m completely honest. Leo Varadkar has really sh*t on our parade with this announcement. Not sure we’ll even support a border poll in these circumstances.”

It would seem that a border poll will be announced imminently with New-United Irelanders particularly pushing for a poll in time for the 1st February holiday date.

Reports from Westminster suggest Boris Johnson has asked if it could even take place today or in the morning, saying “I don’t care if we give Northern Ireland away, I need something – anything – to take the news focus away from me”