Coalisland Man To Open Off-Licence In Downing Street

Originally posted on Tyrone Tribulations: A Coalisland entrepreneur has won a bidding war on 14 Downing Street and immediately signaled his intention to open a 24-hour off-licence due to high demand from locals. Mickey ‘Bulldog’ Coyle purchased the property on Friday and set up a small stall on Saturday morning to gauge interest from the…

Coalisland Man To Open Off-Licence In Downing Street

Jeffrey Donaldson sends solidarity to low paid workers during ‘Double-Jobbing’ controversy

Jeffrey Donaldson pushed back today against widespread criticism of his attempts to ‘double job’. The MP for Lagan Valley intends to keep his role as an MP while also standing for election as an MLA at the Stormont Assembly.

Many opponents have come out across the political spectrum to condemn the DUP proposal, which had previously been outlawed in 2016.

UUP Leader Doug Beattie claimed there was corruption at play saying “There’s corruption at play”. His criticism continued saying “Man, most days I get up around noon, smoke some grass, listen to some Hendrix or Cypress Hill and make it to Stormont for about 3pm. How is Jeffrey going to make it to Stormont and Westminister on the same day? That ese is loco, man.”

The controversy has been described by DUP sources as ‘fake outrage’. An internal DUP party memo which was leaked to media in N. Ireland – seemingly from Arlene Foster’s official DUP mail address – stated that “all members should take the approach that all the other parties are just ‘a bunch of gurny jealous f**ckers’. This is our official line and there should be no deviation from this.”

Boris Johnson has been dragged into the furore and the Alliance Party has described it as an attempt by the Conservative government to ‘prop up’ the DUP. A Conservative Party spokesperson in response said ‘D’uh, yeah, and what? Anything to take the heat off Boris.”

When asked for a comment on his intention to double-job, Jeffrey Donaldson referenced the current economic climate.

“I think we can all agree it’s been a difficult year for all of us – mentally, financially, politically and socially. All of us gig workers have been particularly badly hit. For the last 12 years I’ve been working as a Daniel O’Donnell lookalike and tribute act. Since Daniel stopped working due to covid, I was absolutely raking in the work. Swimming in £20 notes so I was.

Now that Daniel is back on the road the gigs have really dried up for me. I don’t think anybody realises that MPs are being asked to survive on a meagre £81,000 plus food, electricity, accommodation and travel expenses. It’s deplorable in this day and age.”

“Since Furlough has ended all of us in the artistic industries have been left to fend for ourselves and taking the second job at Stormont will simply help me top up my income.”

“Let me make a point. One of my constituents, Sharon, currently works a 40 hour week cleaning offices across Northern Ireland. Her mileage allowance is pathetic. So 3 evenings a week and 1 afternoon every weekend she does a shift at Tesco. I don’t hear the SDLP, UUP or Sinn Fein/IRA shouting about Sharon double jobbing. It’s just total hypocrisy.”

When this response about Sharon was put to Sinn Fein leader in Northern Ireland, Michelle O’Neill, she was unimpressed.

“Jaysus sh*te, you think they can’t get any dumber. Sharon is likely to be on minimum wage, with increased fuel and food bills making it impossible for her to survive without a second job. Jeffrey wants 2 jobs in 2 different countries just because none of the other DUP numpties in Lagan Valley have a chance of being elected”.

The issue appears likely to rumble on with Jeffrey Donaldson and the DUP adamant that they will proceed with their plans.


Bertie Ahern claims that ‘them Prods are a shower’

In an times shocking interview, former Irish taoiseach Bertie Ahern was deeply critical of the P.U.L. community in Northern Ireland over Brexit and the NI Protocol.

Describing ‘Loyalist’ housing estates as ‘ghettos’, he pointedly explained how stupid he feels they are. ” Go into them smelly protestant ghettos and they haven’t a clue about the NI Protocol” he said. “But then they wouldn’t know about Pythagoras Theorum, the periodic table or f**k all else either.”

“Its well known that catholics live in much nicer areas across the North, and the south of Ireland has eradicated shite houses, so it goes to show it must be a protestant thing.”

Unionist Response

The comments have been strongly criticised by members of all the main Unionist Parties, the DUP, the UUP and the PUP.

DUP leader, Jeffrey Donaldson strongly believes there is no merit in the comments. “Irish people don’t have the first clue about the Unionist community. For starters, I got an A in my 11 plus, so ha! Also, I most certainly do not live in a ghetto, I have extensive private lands. Edwin Poots on the other hand, his house literally smells of cow poop” he chuckled.

Found lazing on a bench in botanic gardens, UUP Leader Doug Beattie asked for patience until he finished rolling his joint.

“Sorry man I can’t do two things at once, it messes with my karma man. Bernie who? Oh Bertie man. Yeah man he gotta chill, am I right? Too much anger man, he just gotta chill. Peace and love man that’s what I say to Bertie. You need peace and love.” He said as his eyes began to glaze over.

Sinn Fein backs Bertie Ahern

Sinn Finn leader in Northern Ireland, Michelle O’Neill gave her backing to the comments.

“He was right and the Unionists know it. They haven’t a fucking clue about the NI protocol. None of us do, so technically he’s right, the pro.. eh… Loyalists don’t know about it either. Plus, some of the places they live are sh*tholes. Granted, that’s because some of our boys bombed them to f**k, but still.”

Self proclaimed leader of the Loyalist Community, Billy Hutchinson of the PUP was damning in his criticism.

“Bertie Ahern is a nobody. I can’t even pronounce his job title fer fuck sake. Listen, most of our boys might not know what the fuck the protocol is all about, but my mate Mervyn does. He’s crazy smart about economics and bespoke trade agreements, and he said it’s a f**king mess, and that’s good enough for me. “

“As for the rest of the guys, they know how to get a good fire going on a bus. Even Dirty Bertie can’t deny that one” he said with a wink.

When asked to withdraw his comments and asked whether he thought they could be construed to be sectarian, Bertie Ahern was unrepentant.

“There’s not a single sectarian bone in my body. It’s just them prods are a right shower of moany bastards.”

The controversy looks set to rumble on amidst the ongoing negotiations around the NI protocol. After the EU suggested that people should be ‘prepared for war’ over the negotiations, many feel Bertie Aherns input is also unhelpful, irrelevant, clueless and he’s not involved in it so should just keep his f**king sectarian nose out of it.


Loyalism shouts “Look at me, look at me!”

Good Morning Northern Ireland. You’re looking well. That is if you ignore the burnt out buses, and racist graffiti.

How can anybody read our local news and still feel that there are legitimate political parties to vote for? Sorry but any humour or satire has been beaten out of me by the news.

So – people, who I will not suggest are terrorists or hoods or criminals or d*ckheads (but who are all of those things) have burnt another bus. This is over the NI protocol, which wasn’t a big deal for a long time. Until Unionist Politicians made it a big deal. Now its emergency battle stations.

So, now tension has been increased on purpose by politicians who are meant to know better, then buses start to be hijacked and burnt and those involved in protest attempt to drag it into a sectarian battle at Lanark Way.

DUP, UUP, TUV all wash their hands of this of course. Not us, guv’. Bullsh*t.

So we then hear that yesterday’s man, Billy Hutchinson has decided he has something to say for the first time in 20 years. Now, Billy is involved with the P.U.P. The PUP are involved with the U.V.F. Bus gets burnt in Newtownabbey and on that same night P.U.P. can no longer support Good Friday Agreement. It’s almost like it was co-ordinated. Do you see where I’m going with this?

People – potentially from Loyalist Paramilitary Groups (one example of these groups is the U.V.F.) – burn out a bus. Their political reps immediately withdraw support for peace process. Please can we not forget that Jeffrey Donaldson, Doug Beattie and (totally against terrorists) Jim Allister brought Billy Hutchinson along for the ride on the NI protocol. They went for their wee jolly trip with him.

The leaders of Unionism/Loyalism have just orchestrated a campaign fully aware street violence would be the result. They’re probably just raging they haven’t been able to drag the fenians into it… yet.

The P.U.P. decision, which will give further justification to all sorts of nutcases who want to burn buses, Souther Reg. Cars and start some recreational sectarian rioting is, at best, childish. Its also dangerous, pathetic, cringeworthy. It gives certain people the veneer of political legitimacy to their criminality.

Billy Hutchinson is jumping up and down, waving his hand in the air and looking for attention. The P.U.P. were, and are, relative nobodies in local politics. They’ve now been legitimised as some sort of relevant political force. I’m not even going to get into how the NI protocol is so far removed from the G.F.A. that removing support for one because of the other is a complete load of shite.

Let us summarise though. This is the P.U.P. and U.V.F. attempting to act as the voice of Loyalism by moving first. The DUP, UUP and TUV all benefit by claiming this is the frustration of the entire P.U.L. community bubbling over. Again, this is lies.

The leaders of ‘moderate Unionism’ are orchestrating this. They knew this would happen. Any legitimacy they had from some of the rhetoric that was coming from the E.U. side, is now gone.

Let’s never forget this. Wherever the violence goes, who is dragged into it, and who is injured – This has been actively started by the leaders of the DUP, UUP and TUV.

Legitimate grievances over the NI protocol or not, the actions of Unionism will be counter productive for their own political hopes. If you want to know why Unionist voters are flocking to vote Alliance, open your eyes.


License Plate Carries out Sectarian Attack in Belfast

A watching crowd were left in total shock when a license plate carried out a sectarian attack before being restrained, and eventually burnt, by the victim.

Local resident Mervyn Pillow seen the whole thing unfold from start to finish.

“Well I had just got myself a KFC – Zinger box meal with coke, if you’re wondering. I was walking along eating it and minding my own business when I heard a sectarian slur being shouted. I looked up and a license plate – that looked foreign – shouted ‘Up The ‘Ra’ and ‘I love the NI Protocol’ then lunged at a man in a Rangers Top.”

When asked to confirm if he was actually saying a license plate had shouted something then lunged at a man, he continued.

“Swear to god, yes. Couldn’t believe it. Most sectarian license plate I’ve ever seen. It was just lucky there was no loss of life today. Well obviously except for the license plate and the car it was attached to.

A crowd heard the commotion and ran out of the Rangers Club to subdue the attacker, and lucky they did. Although I was in shock myself I was just able to set my KFC down on a bench and get a few boots in to the wee b*tard. It wouldn’t stop though, it was like a license plate possessed.”

When we asked the P.S.N.I. officer at the scene about Mervyn’s claims, he put his head in his hands and asked us to go home.

Mervyn stuck by his story and explained that he didn’t have any issues with foreign license plates, as long as they keep themselves to themselves.

“No, I’ve never had a problem with fenian license plates. I’ve friends at work who are foreign, but this one had been radicalised. I thank god that ‘Whitey’ McComb who drinks in the Rangers club happened to have a container of petrol on him that he doused the license plate with and burnt it.

The license plate gave out an almighty last squeal and shouted protocoooooooool. A wee bit like Mel Gibson at the end of Braveheart.”

Local community workers have asked people to be vigilante, and to keep an eye on their kids. They are advising under no circumstances should anybody approach any foreign license plates. They should all be assumed to be dangerous and unpredictable.

Community Worker Cokey Williams claimed the community was on edge.

“This has been a terrifying ordeal for all those attacked by the license plate, and for the entire Protestant community. The worry now that this is not a lone wolf attack, and that the license plate may be working as part of a co-ordinated terrorist cell. We’re having a community vigil tonight to pray together for no further attacks”.

Police have appealed for anybody with information to contact them.


Republican Rioters Claim They Weren’t Told Furlough Had Ended

There were remarkable scenes at Lanark Way last night when an open net opportunity to riot was apparently rejected by confused rioters.

A loyalist protest was arranged in opposition to the N.I. Protocol, to take place in West Belfast. In an entirely unfortunate coincidence, this also happens to be the site of a large and historically hostile peace wall between two divided communities.

Incredibly this open invitation for a good ‘oul recreational riot was turned down by rioters on the Republican side. Having been questioned on their non-appearance it seems to bizarrely have been as a result of the Furlough scheme ending.

When asked why they had not shown up as expected veteran member of the Springfield Giants Rioting Squad, Jimmy McDuffy, blamed the Northern Ireland executive.

“I’m angry as a bear after Goldilocks has visited, fuck sake. Nobody told us furlough had ended. We’ve had a pile of riots we’ve missed out on because of a lack of information coming from Stormont. It’s time for our political representatives to explain themselves.

Why go out rioting when you can sit at home and get 80% of your pay anyway? By the time you get the taxi up and home, and get a chinese afterwards, you’re talking the guts of 30 quid. But if I had have known the Loyalists were busting for a firework fight I’d have been there in an instant. In a funny way, I miss them. It’s them I feel sorry for actually, especially these cold nights.”

Nobody within the Stormont executive was willing to respond to requests for comment on the matter at time of printing. Though Jimmy McDuffy has stated he plans to start a campaign to bring furlough back in, at least until the nights are brighter and the better weather comes in.

Loyalist sympathy

When told about Jimmy McDuffy’s claims of not knowing about the end of Furlough, his opposite number sympathised. Sammy Orchard from the Shankill Devils Riot Collective.

“I know where he’s coming from, I didnt know it had ended either at first. Jim Allister had been on the phone about getting the lads back out to work. He told me furlough had ended but I didn’t believe him. As the saying around here goes ‘There’s only one thing full of more sh*te than a communal toilet, and that’s Jim Allister’. How could anybody trust that big red face anyway.

So anyway, off he went and 20 minutes later I’d Jamie Bryson on the phone about it. Now Jamie is a man of great integrity and intelligence, so that’s when I knew it must have ended.

I still couldn’t believe it when the Springfield boys didn’t show up, but that furlough thing explains it. I sympathise with them, but the Belfast Riot Commission will have this down as a win for us, since they didn’t show up. Nothing I can do about that”.

Community Workers

Local community workers were also left confused and upset about the incident. They had expected to be out to be seen preventing young rioters from attacking from the Republican side, but it didn’t happen.

Local community worker Seamus McHardy seen both the pros and the cons of the riot not taking place.

“Usually we try stop them – not that it ever works like. Tonight though makes it look like we’ve achieved something so I guess that’s good in a funny way. I wish I had’ve known in advance though because it is absolutely freezing and my wife said she’s going to watch the next episode of Squid Game and won’t wait on me getting home. Pissed off doesn’t cover it.”

It’s yet to be seen whether the incident and the end of furlough will mean a return to the streets for the Sprinfield Giants Riot Group, though an appeal is expected to be made against the Win being granted to the loyalist side.

If the S.G.R.G. decide to focus their efforts on re-implementing furlough, then it could be a long and lonely winter for the Shankill Devils. Left to their own devices and with only police to riot with, the sadness was palpable.

“Everybody knows the PSNI are the wooping boys of the riot scene.” Said Sammy Orchard. “They’re just lucky there’s no relegation, or they’d be fucked. For the sake of the sport we need the Springfield Giants back on the streets”

The community and fans of watching riots on the news will wait with baited breath to see if the invitation will be accepted.

As always we will keep you updated with any exclusive news, as soon as we think of it.


Protestant Action Force defend burning of bus

In an explosive interview, the ‘Protestant Action Force’ who claimed responsibility for the hijack and burning of the bus in Newtownards yesterday showed no remorse for their actions and threaten more is to come.

Interviewed in a secret location as they try to evade arrest after the incident yesterday, they doubled down on their opposition to the NI protocol and dismissed any suggestion of remorse.

Q. Do you feel your actions hijacking and burning a bus were justified?

“Well, we’re not sorry for what we’ve done. Not only will this show the E.U. that we mean business, we’ve also really put Newtownards on the map. We’ll no longer be called the Sewer of North Down. Now we will be known as the epicentre of P-U-L opposition to the NI protocol.”

Q. How do you feel about the trauma and distress caused to the driver during the attack?

He should be happy we dragged him from the bus as he went about his work, so he should. My mate went off work on stress after being assaulted. He got full pay, and Translink will sort this guy out too. My friend only had 5-6 years of counselling and he was right as rain.”

Q. The NI Protocol has been in place for quite some time. Why choose now for this attack?

“We’ve always been huge fans of the Leaders of Unionism. We have all of their albums and never miss a show. Jeffrey gave this as the date for the Protocol to be cancelled, or there’d be action.

I was a bit disappointed the Leaders of Unionism never reply to my letters or watsapps, and don’t really get in touch except when they need to get a crowd out, but hopefully they’ll write to us after this.

The Protocol must go. There can not be a border between fellow British citizens. I have no doubt her majesty the Queen is fucking rage about it all.”

There was a brief argument between the two representatives of the PAF when one of them accidentally used the other’s real name. After asking me to promise I wouldn’t publish the name or tell anybody we continued.

Q. The Leaders of Unionism have totally condemned your actions. How can you suggest you did this because of them?

[Edit: At this point both men burst our laughing and repeatedly winked at me then said the words] “Wink, Wink – Nudge, Nudge” while continuing to wink then finished with “Condemnation, wink”.

Q. Can the people of Northern Ireland expect more of these attacks?

“We have BIG [the speaker asked me to emphasise big] plans for the future. We’re modelling our tactics on those Insulate Britain people. Now obviously they’re wackos like, going on about that climate stuff, but they get publicity.

We’re hoping to make all of our actions traffic related too. We tried glue ourselves to the road last week, but we used my wee girls PVA glue from her school pencil case and it was sh*te. Didn’t stick hands to the road at all. It was a messy nightmare, fuck sake”.

There will be no surrender and no peace until the Protocol is crushed. Or at least until an alternative is agreed that we’re told is ok to agree with”.

Q. Why the use of ‘Protestant’ in your name when this is a political, not a religious issue?

“We had wanted to call ourselves prods again.. I mean Protestants Against The N.I. Protocol Forever- P.A.N.I.P.F. Some of the lads had trouble remembering all the letters, and spelling protocol is a bastard to be honest. So we agreed on P.A.F.”

But come on, don’t play dumb. It is the protestant people who are being sh*t upon by Republicans. This is the Sinn Fein Protocol”.

Q. It was actually the British Government with the acceptance of Unionist leaders who agreed the Brexit deal. What’s changed?

“It was who? Ack your head is full of sweetie mice. Everybody knows the E.U. is simply a Sinn Fein puppet. It’s E.U./IRA. The protestant, Unionist, Loyalist people will accept no more.”

Sadly it looks like more attacks can be expected in the near future. The leadership of the P.A.F. suggest they have up to 7 men willing to commit violence in opposition to the Protocol. This will increase to 8 in the near future when one of their members, “Barney”, comes off the nightshift and is available.

Political leadership is required to defuse the tension. We will report further with information as we get it.


NI Centenary 2021: Officially the shittest thing anybody has ever celebrated

Well, Congratulations Northern Ireland. We made it to the big 1-0-0. 100 years old. Party Time!

Is this the milestone that gets you invited to Buckingham Palace for a few pints and a scone, or is this the milestone the Queen just sends you an ‘oul shitty letter?

Either way, who knew, I mean seriously holy sh*t. We are the State equivalent of an addict with a life long heroine, coke and alcohol habit slowly destroying ourselves internally – only we’ve combined this with an effortless ability to acquire bomb making materials.

The only question is what do we celebrate first?

I know, I know, it’s obviously that time we beat Spain at football 40 years ago, or maybe that time we beat the English at Windsor Park, when it was still called Windsor Park.

So let’s do something a bit different from the standard 10 Greatest Northern Irish Achievements list. Otherwise I’ll just call this page The News Letter. Let’s do the…

5 Things Not To Mention During The Centenary Celebration 2021:

The Orange Order/Marching Season

Yep, I went there. I can already sense the faint smell of aggressive online abuse coming my way, but hey-ho. Also I know this isn’t only in N. Ireland, but that’s where its focus is, so let’s not be pedantic.

What in the name of holy shit is the Orange Order all about? It’s a lot of marching about in formal dress with drums that are unnecessarily big, and those big awkward looking flags with pictures of events that only your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great Granny and Granda would have been alive for.

It doesn’t exactly scream 21st Century, does it? If it was a bunch of older fellas marching about commemorating a battle from 400 odd years ago, I’d understand a little bit.

But what is the craic with the young ones taking part? It’s like some parallel dimension found only in N. Ireland, where the kids who are in the marching band are the cool ones.

Listen I get the ‘event’ of the whole thing, I really do…

Have it outside in July, it’s gonna be hot(ish) – I’m on board!

Call it a public holiday and give (almost) everyone a day or 2 off work – Don’t mind if I do. Gracias mi Orange amigos.

Make it socially acceptable to get pished in a big field – I’m in!

Have a midnight pre-party where we throw a load of stuff into a big pile and set it off in one giant fire – Yes! Actually, I think we might be best friends soon.

Stand around for hours watching marching bands walking along the road who are dressed like a cross between a soldier and a bus conductor – F*ck it, I’m out.

Come on ffs. Let’s bring it into the modern era! What about a samba band, or a DJ or something? Why not have a celebrity bare knuckled boxing match between King Billy and King James? Give us something to spice it up, please.

Maybe if the local nationalist residents who object to a parade from time to time knew they were going to get a DJ Shadow remix of The Sash, they might be more likely to let the marches pass by.

Aside from the whole weirdness, if a group of band nerds is going to march close to your house early on a saturday morning – Fucking let them.

Go about your day, take the kids to football, sleep away your hangover, go get a fry, or go watch the band nerds.

The day that people stop giving a shit about these parades is the day that all the hangers-on decide to lie in bed instead of traipsing down the road after the parades. When all these loonytoons piss off, then the years ahead will mean the only people parading will be a bunch of old, religious bus conductors that you see once a year.

It also astonishes me how the residents objecting to the marches have an encyclopedic knowledge of Orange/Protestant/Unionist music.


Yee-haw, welcome to Jim Crow era U-S-oh, it’s actually Norn Iron. Yep that’s right, in 2021 we are operating a policy of housing and schooling segregation.

We love to keep a good old-style tradition going. So as of right now we have significant areas of housing that are separated between what are dispairingly called ‘catholic areas’ and ‘protestant areas’.

In many, many places (more than before the Good Friday Agreement was signed) we have huge brick or steel ‘Peace Walls’ (laugh out loud moment). We also make use of business parks, abandoned buildings and wastelands of unused space to separate our 2 communities. Enough to bring a tear to the eye, but wait…

WE SEGREGATE OUR CHILDREN TOO! We have Catholic Schools and Protestant schools. Yep, seriously. As the bible famously doesn’t say ‘Our children shalt never meet children not of our kin, lest they be tainted’.

There is a smattering of integrated schools too. These schools only educate around 6 – 7% of our children, despite overwhelming public support to integrate our schools. So most people want integrated education, but it’s not implemented. Welcome to our special brand of NI Democracy.

Even more grotesque is our ‘shared education’ sham where catholic and protestant children share the same school campus (and play areas) but do not freely mix.

So kids in Northern Ireland go to school – in the main – only with children from their own religious background. Then go home to their houses in areas that are almost exclusively filled by people from their own religious background.

Is it any f**king wonder this country is such a shambles?

If those who ran this country genuinely wanted to reconcile the ‘two communities’ (which is an utter nonsense of a phrase) they would aggressively and pro-actively implement an integrated schools and housing policy.

Top Secret Fact: Now whisper this, but it could be suggested that our Politicians don’t want integration, because they depend on division for votes. Sshh! Wink Wink Nudge, say no more.

DUP/Sinn Fein

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls I give you Sinn Fein and the DUP – The two biggest parties in Northern Ireland! (APPLAUSE!)

One of these political parties continue to commemorate those who murdered and killed innocent people for 35ish years, and the other lot support those brought to trial for murder, and want a law passed preventing ex-armed forces members accused of murder to be brought to trial.

Both are particularly loyal to those from ‘their’ side who carried out murders here, but carry a particularly pure form of hatred towards murderers from ‘the other side.’ This is called hypocrisy, friends.

Seriously, these are the 2 biggest parties in the assembly. These people run our government. How does that make you feel inside? I hope you’re angry.

Actually think about it some more.

In one corner we have the Marriage equality hating, gay conversion therapy supporting, Loyalist terrorist ambivalent, the earth is 15 minutes old absolute moonbeams of the D.U.P.

In the other corner we have the ‘socialist’ Let’s rubber stamp civil service redundancies, sell off public land, produce a Catholics v. Protestant election leaflet, refuse to light up city hall for unionist celebration, kingsmill anniversary loaf on the head PR masters of Sinn Fein.

If these 2 parties were written into a film the critics would call it unbelievable. Slapstick. Like a carry on film with lots of sectarianism and populism thrown in.

Well Done Northern Ireland for continuing to vote for these muppets in such consistently high numbers. If voting for them was some sort of piss take then I’m here to tell you the joke is old. Really old.

Murals and Flags

Piggybacking on our Segregated housing section is flags and murals.

Flags are extremely important to many people in Northern Ireland. Do not mess with their 5ft x 3ft piece of coloured cloth. These mass produced items are absolutely precious.

Flags also ensure that it is clear whether your area is a catholic/protestant one, and to signify that no catholic/protestant (delete as applicable) should ever consider living here. Often when new housing areas are built then people will come and fly flags around the area to ‘claim’ it as ‘theirs’. Much the same way dogs piss on trees and claim them.

The agreed etiquette is that they should be on as many lamp posts as possible. Please also note that the next street to yours will take the piss out of you if your street doesn’t have as many flags as theirs.

There was once a quaint little tradition – that may still operate in some areas – that meant if you didn’t have a flag flying from your house then the boys with woolly faces would come round and politely ask you to put one up. If flags weren’t really your thing, then they would ask for a little financial donation to ease their troubled hearts over your anti-patriotic front garden.

Murals. Well, what really can you say about these. Admittedly there are some murals in Northern Ireland showing images of our history. They’re pretty amazing.

But lets be honest, our most famous ones are the ones with balaclavas and guns. Now, Republicans have a tiny flickering light bulb in their head and their most outwardly public murals normally portray their heroes with long flowing hair and a half smile showing the good nature of Republican gunmen. This is good when the tourists come calling. If you want the real AKs and balaclava murals normally you have to travel deeper into housing estates, where they probably think no tourists are likely to end up.

Loyalists on the other hand couldn’t give a flying fiddlers. They’re happy to portray themselves as skeleton-headed gun-toting maniacs for anybody who wants a look.

They try to show their soulful side sometimes – ‘Prepared for Peace. Ready for War’. Reading between the lines though most of us see ‘Prepared for EU Peace Money. Ready to build a criminal enterprise, mainly around drug dealing.

Needless to say the majority of the flags, murals, kerbs painted are insecure territory marking. This is obviously linked to the segregated housing mentioned earlier.

So, how exactly are people allowed to fly flags supporting terrorist organisations? Who was it gave the OK for terrorist organisations to be glorified on the side of a gable end house?

Why is there no talk of removing all this shit? Because… … come on…. you can get it… Yes! That’s it! Because this is Northern Ireland were painting the face of terrorists on the side of houses is the done thing. Of course that is totally 100% normal. Totally.

So yeah, anyway, let’s keep the whole marked out territory thing out of the Centenary discussion.

The Troubles

So I was trying my best to ignore this part, but it turns out that’s impossible. So ignoring the whole bloodshed that took place before our modern day ‘troubles’ – we shouldn’t mention the troubles. It’ll put a real dampener on the 100 year birthday party we’re going to have.

For nearly 30 years, Loyalists, Republicans and the security forces murdered people. Some have more responsibility than others for the deaths but whatever background you were from, you were a legitimate target for somebody. Bloody Sunday, Shankill Bomb, Greysteel, Kingsmill, Collusion, Omagh. Murders.

What has any of it achieved for anyone? What does the sh*te our Politicians still go on about achieve for anyone?

Thousands of people died over which colour of coloured cloth flies over government buildings.

100 year celebration? Celebrating what?


Private: MP Eyes Only – UC Uplift

** Private & Confidential – For the eyes of Members of Parliament Only **

Dear Chaps! (and you women),

Congratulations on our great success. We’ve managed to remove the Universal Credit Uplift that the scroungers were getting. As from the old Latin, Upliftus Expelliamus!

If I do say so myself, timing the end of the uplift to the same date as my big speech was a masterstroke. While all the peasants were crying over their free money being taken, the papers were talking about Baldy Duncan Smith getting bonked by a traffic cone. Let’s not pretend we haven’t all thought about doing that before!

(Only joking Duncers)

Even that bloody big mouth Marcus Rashford couldn’t stop us this time. Too busy listening to that God awful rap music and kicking footballs I suspect.

It was touch and go for a while but you all played your parts magnificently. We’d ruddy well put Hollywood to shame with the crocodile tears gushing out of half of you.

Even those little irritants in the devolved governments looked like they were going to cause some issues. In the end, what did Scotland, Wales and the Irish do? They sent a bloody letter. Fantastic, I nearly wet myself laughing when it arrived. My secretary could barely talk for laughing when she told me about it. A letter! Bloody hell! Marvelous.

Credit where it’s due though, those marxists in the Labour Party played their part to perfection. The videos with sad faces hanging off them and emotional tales from their constituents. You played a ruddy blinder. I was worried for a bit when that Raynor woman really went to town on us. Tory Scum indeed. Worked marvelously in our favour, really made it all seem so genuine.

As I always say though, what’s said and agreed in the pubs of Westminster, stays in the pubs of Westminster.

Keep your bloody mouths shut!

We’re not quite at the point of publicly boasting how we’ve screwed over the poor, but that will come soon enough. For now, let’s keep that good old Britannia tight lipped, no careless talk spirit.

If some twit from the Guardian or some other Communist publication should get hot and bothered about things do not let them get you riled.

Now is not the time to say Universal Credit is for scroungers.

Apparently 42% of people on benefits are in work. By fuck if I knew that! But its facts like these that will absolutely bugger us if more people hear about them. Play dumb! Dodge, Deflect, Dive, Duck, Dumb. Usual tactics.

If needs be tell the old duffers we’re building a hospital with the money saved, or a petting zoo or whatever old codswallop will shut them up.


One of the office interns told me the universal credit uplift makes up about 13% of an average UC scroungers monthly payment. After giving the little oik a good old thrashing for talking before being spoken to, I thanked him. It’s important to know thy enemy.

If these people would just go and get a better paid job, or walk up to their managers with a bit of the old British bulldog spirit and demand a pay rise, they wouldn’t be in this position.

As usual, standard operating procedure applies. Any difficult questions should be given short shrift – ‘no comment’, or if you’re feeling frisky give it a good old ‘fake news!’.

Our friends in Labour should stick to script too! Sad faces… Vivienne from my constituency said… it’s terrible.. yada yada.. and then bloody well get talking about that goddamn petting zoo!

Other than the usual suspects – bleeding heart snowflakes crying about the poor, we will be in the clear in next to no time.

Our donors and chums in the usual places – Mail, Times, BBC etc have been told to back off, so feel free to have a chat with them.

** Good Morning Britain is to be avoided **

Also, common sense approach to be taken around expenses. I don’t want somebody sniffing around expenses for anymore duck ponds, cinema rooms or bloody well ‘business trips’ to the Caribbean. Time to lie low for a few days until this all blows over. If they really looked into what our expenses go towards, when we’re making over £80,000 salary a year, we’d be buggered! If you’ve any business friends producing invoices as and when required, please make sure they’re reliable, or you have some leverage on them!

This has been an absolute bloody home run for us and it couldn’t have been done without your help. Though let’s be honest, it was mostly me. Thank you anyway, you wonderfully horrible people.


Prime Minister Boris D.H. Johnson

** The above article is satirical and I have no evidence to indicate the above is a true reflection of real facts or anybody’s genuine beliefs on any matters, especially the matter discussed therein….

Furthermore I release myself of any legal obligations and anybody who has read the above does so in agreement with this viewpoint. Thank you and goodnight**


‘Leaders of Unionism’ announce U.K. Tour

Classic political rock band ‘The Leaders of Unionism’ delighted their followers by announcing the band (feel free to insert rabble) are getting back together.

They met up earlier to get some publicity shots done and announce their upcoming tour. The intern reporter from Rolling Stone magazine, Isla Geetarz, interviewed the guys though admitted after that maybe she was too young to understand who the band were.

“Yeah, they kept talking about Sea Borders and Protocols” she said “Maybe it was the name of their new album, I’m not sure. I did say their band seemed very old-male heavy and asked them if they ever thought of getting a female vocalist into the group, but they just all went quiet.”

“The posh looking one, Jeffrey I think, told me he’d a signed picture of Queen, I asked ‘Freddie Mercury?’ but he said no, it was the actual queen”.

So far the Tour is likely to be quite limited, mainly due to nobody wanting to pay money to hear the same ‘oul shite we heard 40 years ago. ‘The Leaders of Unionism’ are set to go ahead with it anyway.

Some have suggested the group have only reformed due to the abject failure of lead singer Jeffrey’s solo career.

The band have confirmed two venues so far. “Just Westminster and Stormont probably, and maybe Jeffrey’s house. He says he’s a signed picture of the Queen, but I’ve a tenner on that he’s yanking our chain” said Doug ‘Chords’ Beattie. A spokesperson for the band later confirmed they had no gigs planned in Dublin or the surrounding areas.

Asked to describe their sound or influences, Jim Allister said ‘A mix of old school Paisley, old school blackboard being scraped, and ABBA.”

When asked why they’d split up and went their separate ways in the first place the band were evasive. “Now, now that’s all water under the Boyne Bridge now” laughed Jeffrey ‘Poshboy’ Donaldson. “The most important thing is Opposing the protocol. It’s going to be our best and most important work yet. There couldn’t possibly be anything that comes between us this time”.

“I’ve actually suggested an alternative to the…”

“Sshhhh” said the other three in unison when Doug Beattie went to speak.

“I totally agree with Jeremy”. Said Billy ‘Surprised to be here’ Hutchinson.

He went on to admit the call to involve him came at the last minute “Yeah so Jeff told me he needed to make the numbers up to 4 because Jim Allister thinks odd numbers are a Sinn Fein/IRA conspiracy. Everyone thinks the PUP don’t really exist anymore, but we do. Besides, who’s going to do security at the street protests at our gigs if I’m left out. I know all the hard lads, well, the ones that aren’t about to do some serious time. Really I’m just glad to be on the TV again.”

The band’s reunion has not been met with universal approval. Michelle O’Neill, lead vocalist of Prog Rock band, Sinn Fein, said “What a bunch of dicks. We’ll sit back with our feet up and let them tear each other apart on stage. There’s already rumours of arguments between Doug, Jeffrey and Jim over lead vocals. Doug thinks it should be him because he got most likes on Facebook, and Jim Allister thinks it should be him because he has the loudest voice and reddest face. Jeffrey just assumes it’ll be him because he’s the poshest.”

Whatever the outcome the tour is likely to cause controversy given their set list with fan favourites such as ‘We have the right to petrol shortages too’, ‘Fuck the Sea Border’ and their cover of ‘Bad Habits’ by Ed Sheeran.