Category: NI Protocol

Belfast Catwalk Week 2022 comes to an end

The annual Belfast Catwalk Week 2022 came to a close at the weekend with some stunning outdoor catwalk parades attracting crowds from near and nearer.

Organiser of one of the shows which brought the weekend of famous ‘Catwalk Parades’ to a close, Seamy McKalash said ‘This weekend has been a roaring success. I am so proud of all those who helped make this weekend such a success. It’s been really successful”.

When asked what was the winning concept this year, Mr McKalash said there had been a common theme.

“Just like last year and as always in the Occupied 6 counties, it’s all about the Rebel Army Chic. Flags, balaclavas and berets. Colourful armbands get an honourable mention too though”.

When asked about Belfast’s traditional ‘marching walk’ common at the shows, and which some outsiders believe to look quite unusual, Mr McKalash, dismissed concerns.

“Marching instead of walking like a normal person is a real Belfast Catwalk Week tradition. Sure, it looks like some of them are walking after they’ve sh*t their trunks, but it’s our thing.”

The Belfast Catwalk week has been going for decades and has now grown to include shows staged all over Northern Ireland, including Newry and Derry. There are conditions attached to including shows as part of the event, as Mr McKalash explained.

“Well, first you have to do the catwalk up the road with your big flags. It’s important for the models to be serious. No smiles, no waving. Of course the walk has to finish up in a graveyard – that goes without saying – and then speeches were we remember those who gave their lives to the cause of Irish Fashion.”

“It’s been an incredible Sunday, despite the weather, which I know the models always worry about. One of the guys said he has 10 weather apps on his phone and just goes with whichever one gives him the best forecast”.

Controversy surrounds the parades each year with some feeling that having a Rebel Army theme each year is insensitive to those who had family and friends murdered by various rebel armies who operated in Northern Ireland.

Jim Allister of the T.U.V. (Trade Unionist Voice) said “It’s time for the Belfast Catwalk Week 2022 to diversify and become more inclusive. There are many of us who would absolutely love to take part. I am a huge follower of fashion and have attended shows in Milan, and Slough. The Rebel Army Chic vibe just doesn’t appeal to me. I think there needs to be scope for regular army chic with different colour flags.”

The controversy appears likely to rumble on, however, the traditional graveyard ending has proven to a big success given that the catwalk participants have really contributed to the thriving cemetery scene in Northern Ireland for years.

MJS

Police Ombudsman collusion report described as ‘clear as a puddle of sh*te’

There was widespread confusion across Northern Ireland after the publication of a report on RUC-Loyalist collusion by Police Ombudsman, Mrs Marie Anderson.

The report describes ‘collusive behaviours’ by the RUC at the time of UDA/UFF murders in the late 80’s and early 90’s.

Unionist scepticism

Both sides of the political divide in Northern Ireland claimed the report vindicated their views fully. DUP leader Jeffrey Donaldson MP (but not MLA), stated that the report ‘was as clear as a puddle of sh*te. All opinion, not one fact.” He said, while casually ignoring the facts about Special Branch helping Loyalists acquire ‘military grade weapons’.

Mr Donaldson, whose party supported one of the soldiers who was involved in the murder of innocent people on Bloody Sunday continued “Sure what about them’uns? Sinn Fein/IRA must have had informants too. They’re murderers. The RUC was a fantastic force. One of the best ever, if you ask me. What does ‘Collusive Behaviour’ even mean? It sounds like a late night film on channel 5. The RUC fought bravely and proudly against the horrors of Republican terrorism.” he added, fresh from his recent strategy meeting with Loyalist terrorists.

Sinn Fein anger

When questioned about the report, Michelle O’Neill, leader of Sinn Fein in the Northern Occupied Proud British 6 counties revealed her anger at the findings.

“Oh bies, I am real f**king angry over here, hey. Them b*stards were in bed with Loyalist terrorists. This behaviour is not surprising, we knew this, and it’s shameful they helped paramilitaries murder innocent people. There should be consequences”. said the Northern leader of the movement that killed over a thousand people here.

When asked if IRA members who carried out murders during the troubles should also suffer legal consequences for their crimes she said “No way, f**k that. Sure there’d be hardly any of us left not in jail, jaysus.”

The report has opened fresh wounds in Northern Ireland about how to proceed with justice and legacy issues. For now dealing with this matter, just like issues over flags, or paramilitary murals or the NI protocol, or fox hunting seems to be beyond the capabilities of the main parties at Stormont.

Opinion is divided between Unionist views, Republican views, and the truth. Though the DUP and Sinn Fein were both delighted to see a 300% increase in ‘positive engagements’ (or likes) around their tweets on the issue.

Public Opinion

Asking members of the public in Belfast city centre today their views on the matter, many feelings were summed up by one man, who wished to remain anonymous.

Asked whether it was likely to be an extremely difficult issue to resolve given the polarisation between the various political parties, the man was unimpressed.

“Listen, let me make this clear on behalf of all the normal people. It is easy to condemn all murders. IRA murdered people, Loyalists murdered people, some within the RUC and Army murdered – or helped – to murder people. If you’re in a position where you can’t condemn different murderers equally, then you’re doing something seriously wrong.”

He continued “There is a simple solution. We work out who killed who. Then either those murderers go to jail, or we give the whole sh*tting lot of them amnesty from jail and move on with our lives. Simple. If you think ‘your’ murderers should have amnesty from prosecution, but the other ones shouldn’t, then I’m here to tell you, you’re an idiot.”

Sinn Fein and the DUP are likely to ask for a deeper investigation, and also a complete end to the investigation, respectively. Sources for both sides have confirmed that negotiation, compromise or common sense will not be considered.

MJS

Leading bands announce NI Protocol Aid 2022

Rumours circulated today about the organising of a large concert to increase attention of, and bring aid to, those deeply affected by the N.I. Protocol.

Olde Time Rockers ‘Leaders of Unionism’ are understood to have agreed to headline the event, with backing from modern electro-rock group ‘Protestant Action Force’.

The man leading attempts to bring the groups together was quietly confident that he would be able to pull it off. “I’m quietly confident I will be able to pull this off”. He said.

Billy Primrose from the Loyalist Community Against Any Attempts to Bring About a United Ireland (L.C.A.A.A.B.A.U.I) group praised the Leaders of Unionism for continuing the tradition of Anti-everything that is steeped in the history of Unionist Music.

“The leaders of Unionism have been one of my favourite bands for years. I don’t want to give away my age but I was there back in the 70’s at all their shows. Obviously the shows were a bit more hardcore back then, and there were more berets, but I’ve loved them ever since. It’s an absolute privilege to help organise what could be their biggest show ever.”

The event seems to have been inspired by local businesses who have been suffering as a result of the N.I. Protocol. Unionist estimates suggest this could be up to as many as four affected businesses.

The event comes on the heels of the Leaders of Unionism’s U.K. tour and the Protestant Action Force’s album release ‘Burning Buses’. Both were thought to have been significant failures, with hopes that NI Protocol Aid 2022 could result in an upturn in fortunes for both bands.

When asked if any other acts were likely to be involved in the event, Mr Primrose said “Yes, we’re very excited to announce Loyalist Singer/Songwriter, Jamie Bryson, will be on first. He’ll probably take the 1.30pm-2pm slot, so I’d suggest showing up around 2.15pm. Though technically he’s not meant to have any other income, so if you could keep his appearance on the down low. Other than that we’re struggling to get many other acts.”

The venue is yet to be decided and has thrown up logistical issues given the current lack of telephone boxes in the Belfast area.

At least 10% of the money raised will be donated to the 4 businesses who have suffered under the N.I. Protocol.

Michelle O’Neill, Leader of Sinn Fein in Northern Ireland was asked what she thought of the proposal.

“Sure they’ve f**k all else to do with themselves haven’t they? Quitting on Stormont when they know there’s always a mid-term party during February. Just because them feckers don’t drink they’re going to ruin it for the rest of us. They can stick their concert up their arses, though I have to admit ‘The Protocol is no good at all’ by the Leaders of Unionism is a catchy tune”.

MJS

Republican Rioters Claim They Weren’t Told Furlough Had Ended

There were remarkable scenes at Lanark Way last night when an open net opportunity to riot was apparently rejected by confused rioters.

A loyalist protest was arranged in opposition to the N.I. Protocol, to take place in West Belfast. In an entirely unfortunate coincidence, this also happens to be the site of a large and historically hostile peace wall between two divided communities.

Incredibly this open invitation for a good ‘oul recreational riot was turned down by rioters on the Republican side. Having been questioned on their non-appearance it seems to bizarrely have been as a result of the Furlough scheme ending.

When asked why they had not shown up as expected veteran member of the Springfield Giants Rioting Squad, Jimmy McDuffy, blamed the Northern Ireland executive.

“I’m angry as a bear after Goldilocks has visited, fuck sake. Nobody told us furlough had ended. We’ve had a pile of riots we’ve missed out on because of a lack of information coming from Stormont. It’s time for our political representatives to explain themselves.

Why go out rioting when you can sit at home and get 80% of your pay anyway? By the time you get the taxi up and home, and get a chinese afterwards, you’re talking the guts of 30 quid. But if I had have known the Loyalists were busting for a firework fight I’d have been there in an instant. In a funny way, I miss them. It’s them I feel sorry for actually, especially these cold nights.”

Nobody within the Stormont executive was willing to respond to requests for comment on the matter at time of printing. Though Jimmy McDuffy has stated he plans to start a campaign to bring furlough back in, at least until the nights are brighter and the better weather comes in.

Loyalist sympathy

When told about Jimmy McDuffy’s claims of not knowing about the end of Furlough, his opposite number sympathised. Sammy Orchard from the Shankill Devils Riot Collective.

“I know where he’s coming from, I didnt know it had ended either at first. Jim Allister had been on the phone about getting the lads back out to work. He told me furlough had ended but I didn’t believe him. As the saying around here goes ‘There’s only one thing full of more sh*te than a communal toilet, and that’s Jim Allister’. How could anybody trust that big red face anyway.

So anyway, off he went and 20 minutes later I’d Jamie Bryson on the phone about it. Now Jamie is a man of great integrity and intelligence, so that’s when I knew it must have ended.

I still couldn’t believe it when the Springfield boys didn’t show up, but that furlough thing explains it. I sympathise with them, but the Belfast Riot Commission will have this down as a win for us, since they didn’t show up. Nothing I can do about that”.

Community Workers

Local community workers were also left confused and upset about the incident. They had expected to be out to be seen preventing young rioters from attacking from the Republican side, but it didn’t happen.

Local community worker Seamus McHardy seen both the pros and the cons of the riot not taking place.

“Usually we try stop them – not that it ever works like. Tonight though makes it look like we’ve achieved something so I guess that’s good in a funny way. I wish I had’ve known in advance though because it is absolutely freezing and my wife said she’s going to watch the next episode of Squid Game and won’t wait on me getting home. Pissed off doesn’t cover it.”

It’s yet to be seen whether the incident and the end of furlough will mean a return to the streets for the Sprinfield Giants Riot Group, though an appeal is expected to be made against the Win being granted to the loyalist side.

If the S.G.R.G. decide to focus their efforts on re-implementing furlough, then it could be a long and lonely winter for the Shankill Devils. Left to their own devices and with only police to riot with, the sadness was palpable.

“Everybody knows the PSNI are the wooping boys of the riot scene.” Said Sammy Orchard. “They’re just lucky there’s no relegation, or they’d be fucked. For the sake of the sport we need the Springfield Giants back on the streets”

The community and fans of watching riots on the news will wait with baited breath to see if the invitation will be accepted.

As always we will keep you updated with any exclusive news, as soon as we think of it.

MJS

NI Centenary 2021: Officially the shittest thing anybody has ever celebrated

Well, Congratulations Northern Ireland. We made it to the big 1-0-0. 100 years old. Party Time!

Is this the milestone that gets you invited to Buckingham Palace for a few pints and a scone, or is this the milestone the Queen just sends you an ‘oul shitty letter?

Either way, who knew, I mean seriously holy sh*t. We are the State equivalent of an addict with a life long heroine, coke and alcohol habit slowly destroying ourselves internally – only we’ve combined this with an effortless ability to acquire bomb making materials.

The only question is what do we celebrate first?

I know, I know, it’s obviously that time we beat Spain at football 40 years ago, or maybe that time we beat the English at Windsor Park, when it was still called Windsor Park.

So let’s do something a bit different from the standard 10 Greatest Northern Irish Achievements list. Otherwise I’ll just call this page The News Letter. Let’s do the…

5 Things Not To Mention During The Centenary Celebration 2021:

The Orange Order/Marching Season

Yep, I went there. I can already sense the faint smell of aggressive online abuse coming my way, but hey-ho. Also I know this isn’t only in N. Ireland, but that’s where its focus is, so let’s not be pedantic.

What in the name of holy shit is the Orange Order all about? It’s a lot of marching about in formal dress with drums that are unnecessarily big, and those big awkward looking flags with pictures of events that only your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great Granny and Granda would have been alive for.

It doesn’t exactly scream 21st Century, does it? If it was a bunch of older fellas marching about commemorating a battle from 400 odd years ago, I’d understand a little bit.

But what is the craic with the young ones taking part? It’s like some parallel dimension found only in N. Ireland, where the kids who are in the marching band are the cool ones.

Listen I get the ‘event’ of the whole thing, I really do…

Have it outside in July, it’s gonna be hot(ish) – I’m on board!

Call it a public holiday and give (almost) everyone a day or 2 off work – Don’t mind if I do. Gracias mi Orange amigos.

Make it socially acceptable to get pished in a big field – I’m in!

Have a midnight pre-party where we throw a load of stuff into a big pile and set it off in one giant fire – Yes! Actually, I think we might be best friends soon.

Stand around for hours watching marching bands walking along the road who are dressed like a cross between a soldier and a bus conductor – F*ck it, I’m out.

Come on ffs. Let’s bring it into the modern era! What about a samba band, or a DJ or something? Why not have a celebrity bare knuckled boxing match between King Billy and King James? Give us something to spice it up, please.

Maybe if the local nationalist residents who object to a parade from time to time knew they were going to get a DJ Shadow remix of The Sash, they might be more likely to let the marches pass by.

Aside from the whole weirdness, if a group of band nerds is going to march close to your house early on a saturday morning – Fucking let them.

Go about your day, take the kids to football, sleep away your hangover, go get a fry, or go watch the band nerds.

The day that people stop giving a shit about these parades is the day that all the hangers-on decide to lie in bed instead of traipsing down the road after the parades. When all these loonytoons piss off, then the years ahead will mean the only people parading will be a bunch of old, religious bus conductors that you see once a year.

It also astonishes me how the residents objecting to the marches have an encyclopedic knowledge of Orange/Protestant/Unionist music.

Segregation

Yee-haw, welcome to Jim Crow era U-S-oh, it’s actually Norn Iron. Yep that’s right, in 2021 we are operating a policy of housing and schooling segregation.

We love to keep a good old-style tradition going. So as of right now we have significant areas of housing that are separated between what are dispairingly called ‘catholic areas’ and ‘protestant areas’.

In many, many places (more than before the Good Friday Agreement was signed) we have huge brick or steel ‘Peace Walls’ (laugh out loud moment). We also make use of business parks, abandoned buildings and wastelands of unused space to separate our 2 communities. Enough to bring a tear to the eye, but wait…

WE SEGREGATE OUR CHILDREN TOO! We have Catholic Schools and Protestant schools. Yep, seriously. As the bible famously doesn’t say ‘Our children shalt never meet children not of our kin, lest they be tainted’.

There is a smattering of integrated schools too. These schools only educate around 6 – 7% of our children, despite overwhelming public support to integrate our schools. So most people want integrated education, but it’s not implemented. Welcome to our special brand of NI Democracy.

Even more grotesque is our ‘shared education’ sham where catholic and protestant children share the same school campus (and play areas) but do not freely mix.

So kids in Northern Ireland go to school – in the main – only with children from their own religious background. Then go home to their houses in areas that are almost exclusively filled by people from their own religious background.

Is it any f**king wonder this country is such a shambles?

If those who ran this country genuinely wanted to reconcile the ‘two communities’ (which is an utter nonsense of a phrase) they would aggressively and pro-actively implement an integrated schools and housing policy.

Top Secret Fact: Now whisper this, but it could be suggested that our Politicians don’t want integration, because they depend on division for votes. Sshh! Wink Wink Nudge, say no more.

DUP/Sinn Fein

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls I give you Sinn Fein and the DUP – The two biggest parties in Northern Ireland! (APPLAUSE!)

One of these political parties continue to commemorate those who murdered and killed innocent people for 35ish years, and the other lot support those brought to trial for murder, and want a law passed preventing ex-armed forces members accused of murder to be brought to trial.

Both are particularly loyal to those from ‘their’ side who carried out murders here, but carry a particularly pure form of hatred towards murderers from ‘the other side.’ This is called hypocrisy, friends.

Seriously, these are the 2 biggest parties in the assembly. These people run our government. How does that make you feel inside? I hope you’re angry.

Actually think about it some more.

In one corner we have the Marriage equality hating, gay conversion therapy supporting, Loyalist terrorist ambivalent, the earth is 15 minutes old absolute moonbeams of the D.U.P.

In the other corner we have the ‘socialist’ Let’s rubber stamp civil service redundancies, sell off public land, produce a Catholics v. Protestant election leaflet, refuse to light up city hall for unionist celebration, kingsmill anniversary loaf on the head PR masters of Sinn Fein.

If these 2 parties were written into a film the critics would call it unbelievable. Slapstick. Like a carry on film with lots of sectarianism and populism thrown in.

Well Done Northern Ireland for continuing to vote for these muppets in such consistently high numbers. If voting for them was some sort of piss take then I’m here to tell you the joke is old. Really old.

Murals and Flags

Piggybacking on our Segregated housing section is flags and murals.

Flags are extremely important to many people in Northern Ireland. Do not mess with their 5ft x 3ft piece of coloured cloth. These mass produced items are absolutely precious.

Flags also ensure that it is clear whether your area is a catholic/protestant one, and to signify that no catholic/protestant (delete as applicable) should ever consider living here. Often when new housing areas are built then people will come and fly flags around the area to ‘claim’ it as ‘theirs’. Much the same way dogs piss on trees and claim them.

The agreed etiquette is that they should be on as many lamp posts as possible. Please also note that the next street to yours will take the piss out of you if your street doesn’t have as many flags as theirs.

There was once a quaint little tradition – that may still operate in some areas – that meant if you didn’t have a flag flying from your house then the boys with woolly faces would come round and politely ask you to put one up. If flags weren’t really your thing, then they would ask for a little financial donation to ease their troubled hearts over your anti-patriotic front garden.

Murals. Well, what really can you say about these. Admittedly there are some murals in Northern Ireland showing images of our history. They’re pretty amazing.

But lets be honest, our most famous ones are the ones with balaclavas and guns. Now, Republicans have a tiny flickering light bulb in their head and their most outwardly public murals normally portray their heroes with long flowing hair and a half smile showing the good nature of Republican gunmen. This is good when the tourists come calling. If you want the real AKs and balaclava murals normally you have to travel deeper into housing estates, where they probably think no tourists are likely to end up.

Loyalists on the other hand couldn’t give a flying fiddlers. They’re happy to portray themselves as skeleton-headed gun-toting maniacs for anybody who wants a look.

They try to show their soulful side sometimes – ‘Prepared for Peace. Ready for War’. Reading between the lines though most of us see ‘Prepared for EU Peace Money. Ready to build a criminal enterprise, mainly around drug dealing.

Needless to say the majority of the flags, murals, kerbs painted are insecure territory marking. This is obviously linked to the segregated housing mentioned earlier.

So, how exactly are people allowed to fly flags supporting terrorist organisations? Who was it gave the OK for terrorist organisations to be glorified on the side of a gable end house?

Why is there no talk of removing all this shit? Because… … come on…. you can get it… Yes! That’s it! Because this is Northern Ireland were painting the face of terrorists on the side of houses is the done thing. Of course that is totally 100% normal. Totally.

So yeah, anyway, let’s keep the whole marked out territory thing out of the Centenary discussion.

The Troubles

So I was trying my best to ignore this part, but it turns out that’s impossible. So ignoring the whole bloodshed that took place before our modern day ‘troubles’ – we shouldn’t mention the troubles. It’ll put a real dampener on the 100 year birthday party we’re going to have.

For nearly 30 years, Loyalists, Republicans and the security forces murdered people. Some have more responsibility than others for the deaths but whatever background you were from, you were a legitimate target for somebody. Bloody Sunday, Shankill Bomb, Greysteel, Kingsmill, Collusion, Omagh. Murders.

What has any of it achieved for anyone? What does the sh*te our Politicians still go on about achieve for anyone?

Thousands of people died over which colour of coloured cloth flies over government buildings.

100 year celebration? Celebrating what?

MJS

‘Leaders of Unionism’ announce U.K. Tour

Classic political rock band ‘The Leaders of Unionism’ delighted their followers by announcing the band (feel free to insert rabble) are getting back together.

They met up earlier to get some publicity shots done and announce their upcoming tour. The intern reporter from Rolling Stone magazine, Isla Geetarz, interviewed the guys though admitted after that maybe she was too young to understand who the band were.

“Yeah, they kept talking about Sea Borders and Protocols” she said “Maybe it was the name of their new album, I’m not sure. I did say their band seemed very old-male heavy and asked them if they ever thought of getting a female vocalist into the group, but they just all went quiet.”

“The posh looking one, Jeffrey I think, told me he’d a signed picture of Queen, I asked ‘Freddie Mercury?’ but he said no, it was the actual queen”.

So far the Tour is likely to be quite limited, mainly due to nobody wanting to pay money to hear the same ‘oul shite we heard 40 years ago. ‘The Leaders of Unionism’ are set to go ahead with it anyway.

Some have suggested the group have only reformed due to the abject failure of lead singer Jeffrey’s solo career.

The band have confirmed two venues so far. “Just Westminster and Stormont probably, and maybe Jeffrey’s house. He says he’s a signed picture of the Queen, but I’ve a tenner on that he’s yanking our chain” said Doug ‘Chords’ Beattie. A spokesperson for the band later confirmed they had no gigs planned in Dublin or the surrounding areas.

Asked to describe their sound or influences, Jim Allister said ‘A mix of old school Paisley, old school blackboard being scraped, and ABBA.”

When asked why they’d split up and went their separate ways in the first place the band were evasive. “Now, now that’s all water under the Boyne Bridge now” laughed Jeffrey ‘Poshboy’ Donaldson. “The most important thing is Opposing the protocol. It’s going to be our best and most important work yet. There couldn’t possibly be anything that comes between us this time”.

“I’ve actually suggested an alternative to the…”

“Sshhhh” said the other three in unison when Doug Beattie went to speak.

“I totally agree with Jeremy”. Said Billy ‘Surprised to be here’ Hutchinson.

He went on to admit the call to involve him came at the last minute “Yeah so Jeff told me he needed to make the numbers up to 4 because Jim Allister thinks odd numbers are a Sinn Fein/IRA conspiracy. Everyone thinks the PUP don’t really exist anymore, but we do. Besides, who’s going to do security at the street protests at our gigs if I’m left out. I know all the hard lads, well, the ones that aren’t about to do some serious time. Really I’m just glad to be on the TV again.”

The band’s reunion has not been met with universal approval. Michelle O’Neill, lead vocalist of Prog Rock band, Sinn Fein, said “What a bunch of dicks. We’ll sit back with our feet up and let them tear each other apart on stage. There’s already rumours of arguments between Doug, Jeffrey and Jim over lead vocals. Doug thinks it should be him because he got most likes on Facebook, and Jim Allister thinks it should be him because he has the loudest voice and reddest face. Jeffrey just assumes it’ll be him because he’s the poshest.”

Whatever the outcome the tour is likely to cause controversy given their set list with fan favourites such as ‘We have the right to petrol shortages too’, ‘Fuck the Sea Border’ and their cover of ‘Bad Habits’ by Ed Sheeran.

MJS