Priti Patel plotting to “imminently announce a leadership bid”

Rumours circulated today that Priti Patel plans to announce a leadership bid within the coming days.

A source close to Ms Patel claims “She has been rounding up allies and counting bodies to see if she has the support to make a bid – but only if she has a strong chance of success”.

If Ms Patel were to be successful, she would be the first ever woman to be placed in charge of Hell.

Current leader, The Devil, dismissed the rumours as ‘scurrilous gossip” which he feels is an attempt to undermine his leadership.

Privately though it’s believed that The Devil is extremely worried about the ambitious Ms Patel. One source claimed Mr Devil said in a private meeting that ‘Priti’s Rwanda immigration plan alone makes her overly qualified for being in charge of hell. We have to admit we’ve down some extreme things down here, but that Rwanda plan is some next level stuff. Also, I mean f**king hell, she wanted to use Navy ships against people in rubber dinghies.”

An announcement is set to go ahead early next week with Ms Patel believing her current job in charge of destroying immigrants makes her ideally suited for the role in hell.

When asked to comment Ms Patel said that she full supports her current boss, The Devil, and will continue to work together with him “to make things as difficult and horrible for other people as possible.”

It was thought that the current Home Secretary of the U.K. may have manoeuvred for a Conservative Party leadership bid, presumably being put off because laws prevent her from doing as much damage to poor people as she’d like.


Loyalists reject Doug Beattie noose claims

Sources within the Loyalist community today distanced themselves from any suggestion an election poster of Doug Beattie had a noose added to it.

Talking after last nights Anti-Protocol rally in Lurgan, local ‘community activist’ Uri Vincent Ferguson said that a rope had been added to allow the organisers to raise the poster of the UUP leader higher up, so that everybody in the crowd could see it.

“Aye, we heard Doug couldn’t make it, so we just wanted to make sure everybody would still remember him at the event. We were going to hang it from a lamppost but apparently it ‘wasn’t a great idea’.”

When asked who had been involved in the incident Mr Ferguson was visibly frustrated with the media portrayal.

“It’s a conspiracy so it is. Technically, the people of the Protestant, Unionist, Loyalist community decided to do it. I suppose it’s funny in a way. Jim Allister and Jeffrey Donaldson had actually attached the rope and then the photos of them doing it were supposed to be of the two of them taking it down. Gobshites.”

Asked about the incident, Loyalist internet sensation and wheelie bin aficionado, Jamie Bryson was appalled by the incident.

“I told Jeffrey and Jim Allister you cant do that sort of thing, it looks like a noose. Jim just giggled and blamed Jeffrey, but Donaldson just blamed Jim and then started singing Daniel O’Donnell songs. Now that I think about it, it’s a bit embarrassing sharing a stage with these two eejits”.

When asked if he felt calling Doug Beattie ‘lily livered’ and classing UUP as ‘lundys’ may have contributed to the hostile atmosphere, Mr Bryson admitted some blame.

“You know, you might be right. I looked at that election poster and thought how could we possibly do this to a man with such a finely trimmed beard. Really is lovely. I was at Doug’s house once too and he really takes care of his bins, so there’s more to him that just what we see on TV. I’d just like to take the time now to apologise to him.”

Neither Jeffrey Donaldson or Jim Allister were available to comment on the allegations made against them.

Leader of Sinn Fein in the Loyal, Occupied, British Six County Northern Ireland Statelet, Michelle O’Neill, claimed she was not surprised.

“The bunch of numpties haven’t a clue what they’re doing. I know we’ve had a few double agents in our ranks over the years, but I’m starting to think there’s a few double agents within Unionism working on behalf of a United Ireland. We sacked our entire P.R. team because they’re not as effective as simply letting the leaders of Unionism talk out loud. I just hope they look to genuine leaders willing to compromise and move forward with Nationalists, somebody deeply intelligent and impressive. Jamie Bryson, or somebody like that.”


The events detailed above may not have taken place.

Violent attack used to prove protests are peaceful

Doug Beattie’s constituency office was attacked this morning in an attempt to prove NI Protocol protestors are non-violent.

Having refused to attend any future NI protocol rallies saying that they are simply ‘anti-good friday agreement’ and designed to ‘raise the temperature’, the UUP leader was quickly condemned by rally organisers.

“We’re dead peaceful” said local bin enthusiast, Jamie Bryson, just before one of his supporters smashed the window of the UUP office.

“We would never resort to violence and all of the protests have been completely peaceful” said Kate ‘What Am I even doing here?’ Hoey, nonchalantly disregarding the hoax bomb attack, and the previous spate of burning buses.

When asked to comment on the attack on his office Doug Beattie refused to criticise those who attacked his office, as he stared out through the smouldering remains, of his cracked window.

“Listen man, these Unionist hermanos are welcome to come here, sit down and talk to me about their, and my own, concerns about the Protocol. We’ve got jaffa cakes, bourbon creams and I’ll even send out for cream buns”. He giggled, as a spliff hung out of one side of his mouth, and wild rabbits quietly ate grass out of his open palm.

“We gotta come together man. Peace, Love and like a Union of people, man. Not Anger, Shouting and broken windows. No way man.”

The UUP vote looks on target to remain around the same, based on recent polls. Despite Doug Beattie’s attempts to create a new, more inclusive friendly brand of Unionism.

“It’s totally not the votes that matter, it’s the positive vibes man. Are we a band of loveable misfits? Maybe. Will the DUP get more votes and seats than us? Probably. Will that make us stoop to being best buds with Jamie Bryson, Kate Hoey and Tomato-Head Jim Allister? No chance man. They’re haters, the UUP are lovers.” He finished, as small colourful birds began to perch on his shoulder.

When asked whether the attack on the office has proven Doug Beattie’s point, Jim Allister completely refuted the suggestion.

“I completely refute that suggestion. How do you know the brick wasn’t attacking in self defence against the window? Maybe the window said something about the brick’s wife. I send my thoughts to the brick right now that he makes a speedy recovery. UUP are part of a saucepan-nationalist front now. They’re lundys and traitors and will have to change their name to the Ulster Irish Republican Army party.

“I admit though Doug Beattie has an impressive beard though.” He added.

It is undoubtedly a pivotal moment for Unionism.


Jim Allister praises Green Party MLAs

Jim Allister heaped praise on the Green Party today after their MLAs successfully steered two bills through at Stormont.

One bill allows for ‘Safe Access Zones’ outside healthcare clinics where women avail of abortion services, and the other allows 10 days of leave from work for victims of domestic abuse.

Performing a stunning U-Turn after having voted against the bills, TUV Leader Jim Allister was amazed by the determination of the small group of Green MLAs.

“I’ve amazed by their determination” he said “They’ve stuck at it and achieved what they wanted. When I seen Claire Bailey afterwards she was running around whooping and high-fiving. Sometimes I think the TUV has really missed out on high-fives.”

“Or maybe I’m just getting too old for this shit” he sighed. “Everytime I vote or say anything the DUP agree with me. That alone is enough reason to realise I must be talking some shite.”

Local weirdo, Douglas McCooth, who keeps vigil outside a healthcare clinic in Belfast refused to believe in Jim Allister’s change of view. “That’s utter nonsense, Jim is a hero of our movement. He is ‘pro-life’, and ‘pro-women should do as they’re advised’. This must be some sort of left wing piss take” he said as he unpacked his sandwich board.

“We’ll continue to come here everyday. It is my human right to shout things at vulnerable women. And follow them of course”.

The new bill on Safe Access Zones is likely to be subject to a legal challenge as God-fearing law-abiding citizens have serious issues understanding how democracy and laws work, when they don’t suit them.

When asked what his supporters may think of his stunning change of views, Mr Allister was unapologetic.

“I look around me every day and see Jeffrey Donaldson, Jamie Bryson, Kate Hoey, my supporters. You know, just a bunch of moany fuckers. I think to myself do I want to spend the rest of my life with these people, then I realised I am these people. It’s time for a change.”

“I’ve already arranged a night on the town with Claire Bailey. She seems good craic, and says she’s gonna get me shitfaced.”

“Maybe being a communist will be fun for a while. I am immediately asking my supporters to give any second preference votes to Green Party candidates. If they’re not available in the constituency, then transfer to People Before Profit”.

Unionists eager for world to end

Unionist political parties united yesterday to demand that the NI assembly at Stormont pushes forward in assisting an earlier end to the world than required.

Voting on an amendment tabled by the Green Party NI (now referring to themselves as GPNI in case Jim Allister thinks Green Party refers to Nationalism or Catholicism) committing to net zero emissions by 2050, Unionists rejected the need – and internationally accepted agreement – to halt the deterioration of our world and environment.

The target date – which is extremely conservative compared to the targets of many other nations – was seen as pointless by the Unionist parties in the assembly. The members of the UUP, DUP and TUV agreed with each other that the environment wasn’t really a big deal.

A spokesperson for the DUP – who wished to remain anonymous – said “What even is the environment? There are loads of trees about and why would anybody complain about the world temperature increasing? Sure we always complain Northern Ireland is freezing. Just imagine lying on a beach in your speedos at Millisle in 30°C heat. It’d be paradise. We’d never have to go abroad again”.

Jim Allister of the TUV when asked to comment grumbled something incoherent about Sinn Fein/IRA.

The target date is set to proceed after votes of support for the amendment from Sinn Fein, SDLP, Alliance and the Greens. (Not the nationalists, Jim.)

The once liberal UUP led by ex-progressive, Doug Beattie doubled down on the stance of the DUP.

Their leader, Doug Beattie, fresh from deciding he isn’t a misogynist anymore said “Listen, who cares if the world burns. Think of the tan.” He laughed. “Think of all the women in bikin.. men and women in bikin… eh.. just think of the sunshine. This is nothing to do with trying to win over some of the hardline unionist votes. Future generations can look after themselves.”

He continued “Sure we’ll probably be living on the moon by 2050 anyway. Probably be some of us married to aliens and all by then, living in spaceships. I’d just like to state I’ve nothing against aliens by the way, and I realise anything I said about them in the past is completely wrong.”

Nationalists were dismayed again by Unionist failure to read the room. Sinn Fein leader, Michelle O’Neill condemned them in no uncertain terms.

“Shower of sh*tes so they are. Sure why don’t we just set the world on fire you gormless ‘oul eejits. This just shows that Sinn Fein are like really hip and cool and left wing. Sure we’ve let fox hunting continue, but with this vote we’ve probably saved at least 10 polar bears and up to 40 penguins. I’m sure wee Greta Thurnberg would be f**king raging with these eejits”.

Working towards the target is due to begin in the near future with an exasperated Green Party NI statement saying that ‘contrary to comments on social media, there will be no policy of mandatory veganism, and people will still be allowed to drive cars’.”

Support for United Ireland surges after extra holiday pledge

A poll released today showed a huge rise across Northern Ireland in support for a United Ireland after an extra holiday announcement from the Irish Government.

The poll, which was commissioned by polling experts, Ipso Dipso, showed support for a United Ireland now running around 93% in some areas.

The shocking increase was prompted by Irish Tanaiste, Leo Varadkar, announcing a public holiday would be added on 1st February and would be St Brigid’s day.

Tanaiste Varadkar also announced an extra holiday in March this year to celebrate the work of health service staff and to remember all those who had died as a result of covid. Ipso Dipso spokesperson, Ellie Infango, said they were surprised by the results as much as anyone and believed the margin of error would not be more than 3-4% points.

Unionist Support for a United Ireland increases

“We couldn’t believe it to be honest” said Ellie, “but the increase seems to have come from right across the religious and political spectrum. We had many Unionists who made clear they now felt they had been wrong to support the Union with Britain, after hearing of the impending 4 day Irish weekend in March.”

“In fact many Nationalists support for a United Ireland had wavered after hearing the news. One participant from a Nationalist background stated that it took him 3 weeks to recover from St Paddys day as it is, without adding another day for drinking.”

Border Poll imminent

There were widespread reports today that many unionist politicians had been inundated with requests from their constituents to change their mind on staying within the U.K. Many were threatened that they would be punished at the next election if they didn’t call a border poll immediately.

Sandy Row goes Green, White and Orange

Sam Mulryne, the owner of the Sandy Row Rangers Supporters Club announced a drastic change to their colour scheme at the club.

“Yeah, so the last time we’d a tricolour in here it was just to burn it, but we’ve already got the guys in to get the painting done. This wall will be green, this one will be white and then an orange feature wall on this side. The painters thought I was taking the piss, but once I showed them the news they were straight down the dulux centre. There’s talk St Brigids day holiday might not start until 2023, but I think that would be disrespectful to such a dear, cherished saint, so it would.”

There are concerns that not all their customers might be just as comfortable sitting in the green, white and orange club, given their historical opposition, but Mr Mulryne was quick to dispute this.

“Listen, we’re all man enough to admit we were wrong. The tricolour has orange in it, so you could actually say it’s more protestant than the Union Jack. Maybe them there fenia… eh.. fellow citizens were right after all. January is a bastard of a month so to get a holiday on 1st February and then again in March would be powerful altogether.” he said as one of the painters walked past with a number of framed pictures of the Queen.

“Them ones are for the skip, we’ve got some lovely canvas pictures of Leo Varadkar to go up in their place”

Sinn Féin frustrated

When asked if she was happy with the results of the latest poll, Sinn Fein Leader in Northen Ireland, Michelle O’Neill was down hearted.

“Well yeah, it’s good and all that like but we wanted to be the ones who won a United Ireland. Now all the Unionists want it too, it’s kinda lost a bit of it’s shine if I’m completely honest. Leo Varadkar has really sh*t on our parade with this announcement. Not sure we’ll even support a border poll in these circumstances.”

It would seem that a border poll will be announced imminently with New-United Irelanders particularly pushing for a poll in time for the 1st February holiday date.

Reports from Westminster suggest Boris Johnson has asked if it could even take place today or in the morning, saying “I don’t care if we give Northern Ireland away, I need something – anything – to take the news focus away from me”

Coalisland Man To Open Off-Licence In Downing Street

Originally posted on Tyrone Tribulations: A Coalisland entrepreneur has won a bidding war on 14 Downing Street and immediately signaled his intention to open a 24-hour off-licence due to high demand from locals. Mickey ‘Bulldog’ Coyle purchased the property on Friday and set up a small stall on Saturday morning to gauge interest from the…

Coalisland Man To Open Off-Licence In Downing Street

Jeffrey Donaldson sends solidarity to low paid workers during ‘Double-Jobbing’ controversy

Jeffrey Donaldson pushed back today against widespread criticism of his attempts to ‘double job’. The MP for Lagan Valley intends to keep his role as an MP while also standing for election as an MLA at the Stormont Assembly.

Many opponents have come out across the political spectrum to condemn the DUP proposal, which had previously been outlawed in 2016.

UUP Leader Doug Beattie claimed there was corruption at play saying “There’s corruption at play”. His criticism continued saying “Man, most days I get up around noon, smoke some grass, listen to some Hendrix or Cypress Hill and make it to Stormont for about 3pm. How is Jeffrey going to make it to Stormont and Westminister on the same day? That ese is loco, man.”

The controversy has been described by DUP sources as ‘fake outrage’. An internal DUP party memo which was leaked to media in N. Ireland – seemingly from Arlene Foster’s official DUP mail address – stated that “all members should take the approach that all the other parties are just ‘a bunch of gurny jealous f**ckers’. This is our official line and there should be no deviation from this.”

Boris Johnson has been dragged into the furore and the Alliance Party has described it as an attempt by the Conservative government to ‘prop up’ the DUP. A Conservative Party spokesperson in response said ‘D’uh, yeah, and what? Anything to take the heat off Boris.”

When asked for a comment on his intention to double-job, Jeffrey Donaldson referenced the current economic climate.

“I think we can all agree it’s been a difficult year for all of us – mentally, financially, politically and socially. All of us gig workers have been particularly badly hit. For the last 12 years I’ve been working as a Daniel O’Donnell lookalike and tribute act. Since Daniel stopped working due to covid, I was absolutely raking in the work. Swimming in £20 notes so I was.

Now that Daniel is back on the road the gigs have really dried up for me. I don’t think anybody realises that MPs are being asked to survive on a meagre £81,000 plus food, electricity, accommodation and travel expenses. It’s deplorable in this day and age.”

“Since Furlough has ended all of us in the artistic industries have been left to fend for ourselves and taking the second job at Stormont will simply help me top up my income.”

“Let me make a point. One of my constituents, Sharon, currently works a 40 hour week cleaning offices across Northern Ireland. Her mileage allowance is pathetic. So 3 evenings a week and 1 afternoon every weekend she does a shift at Tesco. I don’t hear the SDLP, UUP or Sinn Fein/IRA shouting about Sharon double jobbing. It’s just total hypocrisy.”

When this response about Sharon was put to Sinn Fein leader in Northern Ireland, Michelle O’Neill, she was unimpressed.

“Jaysus sh*te, you think they can’t get any dumber. Sharon is likely to be on minimum wage, with increased fuel and food bills making it impossible for her to survive without a second job. Jeffrey wants 2 jobs in 2 different countries just because none of the other DUP numpties in Lagan Valley have a chance of being elected”.

The issue appears likely to rumble on with Jeffrey Donaldson and the DUP adamant that they will proceed with their plans.


Bertie Ahern claims that ‘them Prods are a shower’

In an times shocking interview, former Irish taoiseach Bertie Ahern was deeply critical of the P.U.L. community in Northern Ireland over Brexit and the NI Protocol.

Describing ‘Loyalist’ housing estates as ‘ghettos’, he pointedly explained how stupid he feels they are. ” Go into them smelly protestant ghettos and they haven’t a clue about the NI Protocol” he said. “But then they wouldn’t know about Pythagoras Theorum, the periodic table or f**k all else either.”

“Its well known that catholics live in much nicer areas across the North, and the south of Ireland has eradicated shite houses, so it goes to show it must be a protestant thing.”

Unionist Response

The comments have been strongly criticised by members of all the main Unionist Parties, the DUP, the UUP and the PUP.

DUP leader, Jeffrey Donaldson strongly believes there is no merit in the comments. “Irish people don’t have the first clue about the Unionist community. For starters, I got an A in my 11 plus, so ha! Also, I most certainly do not live in a ghetto, I have extensive private lands. Edwin Poots on the other hand, his house literally smells of cow poop” he chuckled.

Found lazing on a bench in botanic gardens, UUP Leader Doug Beattie asked for patience until he finished rolling his joint.

“Sorry man I can’t do two things at once, it messes with my karma man. Bernie who? Oh Bertie man. Yeah man he gotta chill, am I right? Too much anger man, he just gotta chill. Peace and love man that’s what I say to Bertie. You need peace and love.” He said as his eyes began to glaze over.

Sinn Fein backs Bertie Ahern

Sinn Finn leader in Northern Ireland, Michelle O’Neill gave her backing to the comments.

“He was right and the Unionists know it. They haven’t a fucking clue about the NI protocol. None of us do, so technically he’s right, the pro.. eh… Loyalists don’t know about it either. Plus, some of the places they live are sh*tholes. Granted, that’s because some of our boys bombed them to f**k, but still.”

Self proclaimed leader of the Loyalist Community, Billy Hutchinson of the PUP was damning in his criticism.

“Bertie Ahern is a nobody. I can’t even pronounce his job title fer fuck sake. Listen, most of our boys might not know what the fuck the protocol is all about, but my mate Mervyn does. He’s crazy smart about economics and bespoke trade agreements, and he said it’s a f**king mess, and that’s good enough for me. “

“As for the rest of the guys, they know how to get a good fire going on a bus. Even Dirty Bertie can’t deny that one” he said with a wink.

When asked to withdraw his comments and asked whether he thought they could be construed to be sectarian, Bertie Ahern was unrepentant.

“There’s not a single sectarian bone in my body. It’s just them prods are a right shower of moany bastards.”

The controversy looks set to rumble on amidst the ongoing negotiations around the NI protocol. After the EU suggested that people should be ‘prepared for war’ over the negotiations, many feel Bertie Aherns input is also unhelpful, irrelevant, clueless and he’s not involved in it so should just keep his f**king sectarian nose out of it.


Loyalism shouts “Look at me, look at me!”

Good Morning Northern Ireland. You’re looking well. That is if you ignore the burnt out buses, and racist graffiti.

How can anybody read our local news and still feel that there are legitimate political parties to vote for? Sorry but any humour or satire has been beaten out of me by the news.

So – people, who I will not suggest are terrorists or hoods or criminals or d*ckheads (but who are all of those things) have burnt another bus. This is over the NI protocol, which wasn’t a big deal for a long time. Until Unionist Politicians made it a big deal. Now its emergency battle stations.

So, now tension has been increased on purpose by politicians who are meant to know better, then buses start to be hijacked and burnt and those involved in protest attempt to drag it into a sectarian battle at Lanark Way.

DUP, UUP, TUV all wash their hands of this of course. Not us, guv’. Bullsh*t.

So we then hear that yesterday’s man, Billy Hutchinson has decided he has something to say for the first time in 20 years. Now, Billy is involved with the P.U.P. The PUP are involved with the U.V.F. Bus gets burnt in Newtownabbey and on that same night P.U.P. can no longer support Good Friday Agreement. It’s almost like it was co-ordinated. Do you see where I’m going with this?

People – potentially from Loyalist Paramilitary Groups (one example of these groups is the U.V.F.) – burn out a bus. Their political reps immediately withdraw support for peace process. Please can we not forget that Jeffrey Donaldson, Doug Beattie and (totally against terrorists) Jim Allister brought Billy Hutchinson along for the ride on the NI protocol. They went for their wee jolly trip with him.

The leaders of Unionism/Loyalism have just orchestrated a campaign fully aware street violence would be the result. They’re probably just raging they haven’t been able to drag the fenians into it… yet.

The P.U.P. decision, which will give further justification to all sorts of nutcases who want to burn buses, Souther Reg. Cars and start some recreational sectarian rioting is, at best, childish. Its also dangerous, pathetic, cringeworthy. It gives certain people the veneer of political legitimacy to their criminality.

Billy Hutchinson is jumping up and down, waving his hand in the air and looking for attention. The P.U.P. were, and are, relative nobodies in local politics. They’ve now been legitimised as some sort of relevant political force. I’m not even going to get into how the NI protocol is so far removed from the G.F.A. that removing support for one because of the other is a complete load of shite.

Let us summarise though. This is the P.U.P. and U.V.F. attempting to act as the voice of Loyalism by moving first. The DUP, UUP and TUV all benefit by claiming this is the frustration of the entire P.U.L. community bubbling over. Again, this is lies.

The leaders of ‘moderate Unionism’ are orchestrating this. They knew this would happen. Any legitimacy they had from some of the rhetoric that was coming from the E.U. side, is now gone.

Let’s never forget this. Wherever the violence goes, who is dragged into it, and who is injured – This has been actively started by the leaders of the DUP, UUP and TUV.

Legitimate grievances over the NI protocol or not, the actions of Unionism will be counter productive for their own political hopes. If you want to know why Unionist voters are flocking to vote Alliance, open your eyes.