License Plate Carries out Sectarian Attack in Belfast

A watching crowd were left in total shock when a license plate carried out a sectarian attack before being restrained, and eventually burnt, by the victim.

Local resident Mervyn Pillow seen the whole thing unfold from start to finish.

“Well I had just got myself a KFC – Zinger box meal with coke, if you’re wondering. I was walking along eating it and minding my own business when I heard a sectarian slur being shouted. I looked up and a license plate – that looked foreign – shouted ‘Up The ‘Ra’ and ‘I love the NI Protocol’ then lunged at a man in a Rangers Top.”

When asked to confirm if he was actually saying a license plate had shouted something then lunged at a man, he continued.

“Swear to god, yes. Couldn’t believe it. Most sectarian license plate I’ve ever seen. It was just lucky there was no loss of life today. Well obviously except for the license plate and the car it was attached to.

A crowd heard the commotion and ran out of the Rangers Club to subdue the attacker, and lucky they did. Although I was in shock myself I was just able to set my KFC down on a bench and get a few boots in to the wee b*tard. It wouldn’t stop though, it was like a license plate possessed.”

When we asked the P.S.N.I. officer at the scene about Mervyn’s claims, he put his head in his hands and asked us to go home.

Mervyn stuck by his story and explained that he didn’t have any issues with foreign license plates, as long as they keep themselves to themselves.

“No, I’ve never had a problem with fenian license plates. I’ve friends at work who are foreign, but this one had been radicalised. I thank god that ‘Whitey’ McComb who drinks in the Rangers club happened to have a container of petrol on him that he doused the license plate with and burnt it.

The license plate gave out an almighty last squeal and shouted protocoooooooool. A wee bit like Mel Gibson at the end of Braveheart.”

Local community workers have asked people to be vigilante, and to keep an eye on their kids. They are advising under no circumstances should anybody approach any foreign license plates. They should all be assumed to be dangerous and unpredictable.

Community Worker Cokey Williams claimed the community was on edge.

“This has been a terrifying ordeal for all those attacked by the license plate, and for the entire Protestant community. The worry now that this is not a lone wolf attack, and that the license plate may be working as part of a co-ordinated terrorist cell. We’re having a community vigil tonight to pray together for no further attacks”.

Police have appealed for anybody with information to contact them.


Protestant Action Force defend burning of bus

In an explosive interview, the ‘Protestant Action Force’ who claimed responsibility for the hijack and burning of the bus in Newtownards yesterday showed no remorse for their actions and threaten more is to come.

Interviewed in a secret location as they try to evade arrest after the incident yesterday, they doubled down on their opposition to the NI protocol and dismissed any suggestion of remorse.

Q. Do you feel your actions hijacking and burning a bus were justified?

“Well, we’re not sorry for what we’ve done. Not only will this show the E.U. that we mean business, we’ve also really put Newtownards on the map. We’ll no longer be called the Sewer of North Down. Now we will be known as the epicentre of P-U-L opposition to the NI protocol.”

Q. How do you feel about the trauma and distress caused to the driver during the attack?

He should be happy we dragged him from the bus as he went about his work, so he should. My mate went off work on stress after being assaulted. He got full pay, and Translink will sort this guy out too. My friend only had 5-6 years of counselling and he was right as rain.”

Q. The NI Protocol has been in place for quite some time. Why choose now for this attack?

“We’ve always been huge fans of the Leaders of Unionism. We have all of their albums and never miss a show. Jeffrey gave this as the date for the Protocol to be cancelled, or there’d be action.

I was a bit disappointed the Leaders of Unionism never reply to my letters or watsapps, and don’t really get in touch except when they need to get a crowd out, but hopefully they’ll write to us after this.

The Protocol must go. There can not be a border between fellow British citizens. I have no doubt her majesty the Queen is fucking rage about it all.”

There was a brief argument between the two representatives of the PAF when one of them accidentally used the other’s real name. After asking me to promise I wouldn’t publish the name or tell anybody we continued.

Q. The Leaders of Unionism have totally condemned your actions. How can you suggest you did this because of them?

[Edit: At this point both men burst our laughing and repeatedly winked at me then said the words] “Wink, Wink – Nudge, Nudge” while continuing to wink then finished with “Condemnation, wink”.

Q. Can the people of Northern Ireland expect more of these attacks?

“We have BIG [the speaker asked me to emphasise big] plans for the future. We’re modelling our tactics on those Insulate Britain people. Now obviously they’re wackos like, going on about that climate stuff, but they get publicity.

We’re hoping to make all of our actions traffic related too. We tried glue ourselves to the road last week, but we used my wee girls PVA glue from her school pencil case and it was sh*te. Didn’t stick hands to the road at all. It was a messy nightmare, fuck sake”.

There will be no surrender and no peace until the Protocol is crushed. Or at least until an alternative is agreed that we’re told is ok to agree with”.

Q. Why the use of ‘Protestant’ in your name when this is a political, not a religious issue?

“We had wanted to call ourselves prods again.. I mean Protestants Against The N.I. Protocol Forever- P.A.N.I.P.F. Some of the lads had trouble remembering all the letters, and spelling protocol is a bastard to be honest. So we agreed on P.A.F.”

But come on, don’t play dumb. It is the protestant people who are being sh*t upon by Republicans. This is the Sinn Fein Protocol”.

Q. It was actually the British Government with the acceptance of Unionist leaders who agreed the Brexit deal. What’s changed?

“It was who? Ack your head is full of sweetie mice. Everybody knows the E.U. is simply a Sinn Fein puppet. It’s E.U./IRA. The protestant, Unionist, Loyalist people will accept no more.”

Sadly it looks like more attacks can be expected in the near future. The leadership of the P.A.F. suggest they have up to 7 men willing to commit violence in opposition to the Protocol. This will increase to 8 in the near future when one of their members, “Barney”, comes off the nightshift and is available.

Political leadership is required to defuse the tension. We will report further with information as we get it.


NI Centenary 2021: Officially the shittest thing anybody has ever celebrated

Well, Congratulations Northern Ireland. We made it to the big 1-0-0. 100 years old. Party Time!

Is this the milestone that gets you invited to Buckingham Palace for a few pints and a scone, or is this the milestone the Queen just sends you an ‘oul shitty letter?

Either way, who knew, I mean seriously holy sh*t. We are the State equivalent of an addict with a life long heroine, coke and alcohol habit slowly destroying ourselves internally – only we’ve combined this with an effortless ability to acquire bomb making materials.

The only question is what do we celebrate first?

I know, I know, it’s obviously that time we beat Spain at football 40 years ago, or maybe that time we beat the English at Windsor Park, when it was still called Windsor Park.

So let’s do something a bit different from the standard 10 Greatest Northern Irish Achievements list. Otherwise I’ll just call this page The News Letter. Let’s do the…

5 Things Not To Mention During The Centenary Celebration 2021:

The Orange Order/Marching Season

Yep, I went there. I can already sense the faint smell of aggressive online abuse coming my way, but hey-ho. Also I know this isn’t only in N. Ireland, but that’s where its focus is, so let’s not be pedantic.

What in the name of holy shit is the Orange Order all about? It’s a lot of marching about in formal dress with drums that are unnecessarily big, and those big awkward looking flags with pictures of events that only your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great Granny and Granda would have been alive for.

It doesn’t exactly scream 21st Century, does it? If it was a bunch of older fellas marching about commemorating a battle from 400 odd years ago, I’d understand a little bit.

But what is the craic with the young ones taking part? It’s like some parallel dimension found only in N. Ireland, where the kids who are in the marching band are the cool ones.

Listen I get the ‘event’ of the whole thing, I really do…

Have it outside in July, it’s gonna be hot(ish) – I’m on board!

Call it a public holiday and give (almost) everyone a day or 2 off work – Don’t mind if I do. Gracias mi Orange amigos.

Make it socially acceptable to get pished in a big field – I’m in!

Have a midnight pre-party where we throw a load of stuff into a big pile and set it off in one giant fire – Yes! Actually, I think we might be best friends soon.

Stand around for hours watching marching bands walking along the road who are dressed like a cross between a soldier and a bus conductor – F*ck it, I’m out.

Come on ffs. Let’s bring it into the modern era! What about a samba band, or a DJ or something? Why not have a celebrity bare knuckled boxing match between King Billy and King James? Give us something to spice it up, please.

Maybe if the local nationalist residents who object to a parade from time to time knew they were going to get a DJ Shadow remix of The Sash, they might be more likely to let the marches pass by.

Aside from the whole weirdness, if a group of band nerds is going to march close to your house early on a saturday morning – Fucking let them.

Go about your day, take the kids to football, sleep away your hangover, go get a fry, or go watch the band nerds.

The day that people stop giving a shit about these parades is the day that all the hangers-on decide to lie in bed instead of traipsing down the road after the parades. When all these loonytoons piss off, then the years ahead will mean the only people parading will be a bunch of old, religious bus conductors that you see once a year.

It also astonishes me how the residents objecting to the marches have an encyclopedic knowledge of Orange/Protestant/Unionist music.


Yee-haw, welcome to Jim Crow era U-S-oh, it’s actually Norn Iron. Yep that’s right, in 2021 we are operating a policy of housing and schooling segregation.

We love to keep a good old-style tradition going. So as of right now we have significant areas of housing that are separated between what are dispairingly called ‘catholic areas’ and ‘protestant areas’.

In many, many places (more than before the Good Friday Agreement was signed) we have huge brick or steel ‘Peace Walls’ (laugh out loud moment). We also make use of business parks, abandoned buildings and wastelands of unused space to separate our 2 communities. Enough to bring a tear to the eye, but wait…

WE SEGREGATE OUR CHILDREN TOO! We have Catholic Schools and Protestant schools. Yep, seriously. As the bible famously doesn’t say ‘Our children shalt never meet children not of our kin, lest they be tainted’.

There is a smattering of integrated schools too. These schools only educate around 6 – 7% of our children, despite overwhelming public support to integrate our schools. So most people want integrated education, but it’s not implemented. Welcome to our special brand of NI Democracy.

Even more grotesque is our ‘shared education’ sham where catholic and protestant children share the same school campus (and play areas) but do not freely mix.

So kids in Northern Ireland go to school – in the main – only with children from their own religious background. Then go home to their houses in areas that are almost exclusively filled by people from their own religious background.

Is it any f**king wonder this country is such a shambles?

If those who ran this country genuinely wanted to reconcile the ‘two communities’ (which is an utter nonsense of a phrase) they would aggressively and pro-actively implement an integrated schools and housing policy.

Top Secret Fact: Now whisper this, but it could be suggested that our Politicians don’t want integration, because they depend on division for votes. Sshh! Wink Wink Nudge, say no more.

DUP/Sinn Fein

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls I give you Sinn Fein and the DUP – The two biggest parties in Northern Ireland! (APPLAUSE!)

One of these political parties continue to commemorate those who murdered and killed innocent people for 35ish years, and the other lot support those brought to trial for murder, and want a law passed preventing ex-armed forces members accused of murder to be brought to trial.

Both are particularly loyal to those from ‘their’ side who carried out murders here, but carry a particularly pure form of hatred towards murderers from ‘the other side.’ This is called hypocrisy, friends.

Seriously, these are the 2 biggest parties in the assembly. These people run our government. How does that make you feel inside? I hope you’re angry.

Actually think about it some more.

In one corner we have the Marriage equality hating, gay conversion therapy supporting, Loyalist terrorist ambivalent, the earth is 15 minutes old absolute moonbeams of the D.U.P.

In the other corner we have the ‘socialist’ Let’s rubber stamp civil service redundancies, sell off public land, produce a Catholics v. Protestant election leaflet, refuse to light up city hall for unionist celebration, kingsmill anniversary loaf on the head PR masters of Sinn Fein.

If these 2 parties were written into a film the critics would call it unbelievable. Slapstick. Like a carry on film with lots of sectarianism and populism thrown in.

Well Done Northern Ireland for continuing to vote for these muppets in such consistently high numbers. If voting for them was some sort of piss take then I’m here to tell you the joke is old. Really old.

Murals and Flags

Piggybacking on our Segregated housing section is flags and murals.

Flags are extremely important to many people in Northern Ireland. Do not mess with their 5ft x 3ft piece of coloured cloth. These mass produced items are absolutely precious.

Flags also ensure that it is clear whether your area is a catholic/protestant one, and to signify that no catholic/protestant (delete as applicable) should ever consider living here. Often when new housing areas are built then people will come and fly flags around the area to ‘claim’ it as ‘theirs’. Much the same way dogs piss on trees and claim them.

The agreed etiquette is that they should be on as many lamp posts as possible. Please also note that the next street to yours will take the piss out of you if your street doesn’t have as many flags as theirs.

There was once a quaint little tradition – that may still operate in some areas – that meant if you didn’t have a flag flying from your house then the boys with woolly faces would come round and politely ask you to put one up. If flags weren’t really your thing, then they would ask for a little financial donation to ease their troubled hearts over your anti-patriotic front garden.

Murals. Well, what really can you say about these. Admittedly there are some murals in Northern Ireland showing images of our history. They’re pretty amazing.

But lets be honest, our most famous ones are the ones with balaclavas and guns. Now, Republicans have a tiny flickering light bulb in their head and their most outwardly public murals normally portray their heroes with long flowing hair and a half smile showing the good nature of Republican gunmen. This is good when the tourists come calling. If you want the real AKs and balaclava murals normally you have to travel deeper into housing estates, where they probably think no tourists are likely to end up.

Loyalists on the other hand couldn’t give a flying fiddlers. They’re happy to portray themselves as skeleton-headed gun-toting maniacs for anybody who wants a look.

They try to show their soulful side sometimes – ‘Prepared for Peace. Ready for War’. Reading between the lines though most of us see ‘Prepared for EU Peace Money. Ready to build a criminal enterprise, mainly around drug dealing.

Needless to say the majority of the flags, murals, kerbs painted are insecure territory marking. This is obviously linked to the segregated housing mentioned earlier.

So, how exactly are people allowed to fly flags supporting terrorist organisations? Who was it gave the OK for terrorist organisations to be glorified on the side of a gable end house?

Why is there no talk of removing all this shit? Because… … come on…. you can get it… Yes! That’s it! Because this is Northern Ireland were painting the face of terrorists on the side of houses is the done thing. Of course that is totally 100% normal. Totally.

So yeah, anyway, let’s keep the whole marked out territory thing out of the Centenary discussion.

The Troubles

So I was trying my best to ignore this part, but it turns out that’s impossible. So ignoring the whole bloodshed that took place before our modern day ‘troubles’ – we shouldn’t mention the troubles. It’ll put a real dampener on the 100 year birthday party we’re going to have.

For nearly 30 years, Loyalists, Republicans and the security forces murdered people. Some have more responsibility than others for the deaths but whatever background you were from, you were a legitimate target for somebody. Bloody Sunday, Shankill Bomb, Greysteel, Kingsmill, Collusion, Omagh. Murders.

What has any of it achieved for anyone? What does the sh*te our Politicians still go on about achieve for anyone?

Thousands of people died over which colour of coloured cloth flies over government buildings.

100 year celebration? Celebrating what?


Private: MP Eyes Only – UC Uplift

** Private & Confidential – For the eyes of Members of Parliament Only **

Dear Chaps! (and you women),

Congratulations on our great success. We’ve managed to remove the Universal Credit Uplift that the scroungers were getting. As from the old Latin, Upliftus Expelliamus!

If I do say so myself, timing the end of the uplift to the same date as my big speech was a masterstroke. While all the peasants were crying over their free money being taken, the papers were talking about Baldy Duncan Smith getting bonked by a traffic cone. Let’s not pretend we haven’t all thought about doing that before!

(Only joking Duncers)

Even that bloody big mouth Marcus Rashford couldn’t stop us this time. Too busy listening to that God awful rap music and kicking footballs I suspect.

It was touch and go for a while but you all played your parts magnificently. We’d ruddy well put Hollywood to shame with the crocodile tears gushing out of half of you.

Even those little irritants in the devolved governments looked like they were going to cause some issues. In the end, what did Scotland, Wales and the Irish do? They sent a bloody letter. Fantastic, I nearly wet myself laughing when it arrived. My secretary could barely talk for laughing when she told me about it. A letter! Bloody hell! Marvelous.

Credit where it’s due though, those marxists in the Labour Party played their part to perfection. The videos with sad faces hanging off them and emotional tales from their constituents. You played a ruddy blinder. I was worried for a bit when that Raynor woman really went to town on us. Tory Scum indeed. Worked marvelously in our favour, really made it all seem so genuine.

As I always say though, what’s said and agreed in the pubs of Westminster, stays in the pubs of Westminster.

Keep your bloody mouths shut!

We’re not quite at the point of publicly boasting how we’ve screwed over the poor, but that will come soon enough. For now, let’s keep that good old Britannia tight lipped, no careless talk spirit.

If some twit from the Guardian or some other Communist publication should get hot and bothered about things do not let them get you riled.

Now is not the time to say Universal Credit is for scroungers.

Apparently 42% of people on benefits are in work. By fuck if I knew that! But its facts like these that will absolutely bugger us if more people hear about them. Play dumb! Dodge, Deflect, Dive, Duck, Dumb. Usual tactics.

If needs be tell the old duffers we’re building a hospital with the money saved, or a petting zoo or whatever old codswallop will shut them up.


One of the office interns told me the universal credit uplift makes up about 13% of an average UC scroungers monthly payment. After giving the little oik a good old thrashing for talking before being spoken to, I thanked him. It’s important to know thy enemy.

If these people would just go and get a better paid job, or walk up to their managers with a bit of the old British bulldog spirit and demand a pay rise, they wouldn’t be in this position.

As usual, standard operating procedure applies. Any difficult questions should be given short shrift – ‘no comment’, or if you’re feeling frisky give it a good old ‘fake news!’.

Our friends in Labour should stick to script too! Sad faces… Vivienne from my constituency said… it’s terrible.. yada yada.. and then bloody well get talking about that goddamn petting zoo!

Other than the usual suspects – bleeding heart snowflakes crying about the poor, we will be in the clear in next to no time.

Our donors and chums in the usual places – Mail, Times, BBC etc have been told to back off, so feel free to have a chat with them.

** Good Morning Britain is to be avoided **

Also, common sense approach to be taken around expenses. I don’t want somebody sniffing around expenses for anymore duck ponds, cinema rooms or bloody well ‘business trips’ to the Caribbean. Time to lie low for a few days until this all blows over. If they really looked into what our expenses go towards, when we’re making over £80,000 salary a year, we’d be buggered! If you’ve any business friends producing invoices as and when required, please make sure they’re reliable, or you have some leverage on them!

This has been an absolute bloody home run for us and it couldn’t have been done without your help. Though let’s be honest, it was mostly me. Thank you anyway, you wonderfully horrible people.


Prime Minister Boris D.H. Johnson

** The above article is satirical and I have no evidence to indicate the above is a true reflection of real facts or anybody’s genuine beliefs on any matters, especially the matter discussed therein….

Furthermore I release myself of any legal obligations and anybody who has read the above does so in agreement with this viewpoint. Thank you and goodnight**


The Big Weekly(ish) Round Up

Before I begin, I would just like to say I really do like Northern Ireland. Good People, good pubs, good food, interesting tourist attractions and it’s relatively safe.

However, in the politest way I can put it, it is incredibly frustrating to be stuck in the groundhog day style time warp where everything political in this little country sends everybody to a place that blood pressure monitors can’t reach. The mere mention of the border sets our politicians frothing like rabid dogs. Those good people I mentioned above are actually great people, but do not get them into a discussion on the political situation in Northern Ireland.

I like a good argument as much as anyone, but the utterly pointless, hysterical and uninformed bitterness that passes for debate in this country is pathetic. Northern Ireland’s regular mentions in the ‘worst in the UK’ category in a number of issues (Covid cases, child poverty) should really be the focus of our efforts. In the end it always comes back to that border.

So, first off, whoever decided to commission a poll based on the constitutional preferences (Do you want a United Ireland or stick with the British?) of the people of N. Ireland needs their heads checked. That the results – which could all have been easily predicted and have been incessantly regurgitated since the beginning of time – were reported as groundbreaking news shows that a) it was an incredibly slow local news week and b) showed the hysterical way we jump onto anything border related.

If Lucid Talk had just asked anybody with any sort of passing interest in Northern Ireland Politics they could have guessed in and around these figures for them and saved them both the time and expense of carrying out the Poll. Maybe next time you can give me a shout.

The result was that around 50% want to maintain the Union with Britain and just over 40% want a United Ireland. There was apparently 9% that ‘hadn’t decided yet’ which I find strange to be perfectly honest, and a 0% who would not vote at all – which is even stranger. So Nationalists and Unionists harped on that the 9% belonged to them which vindicated their positions etc etc etc.

Nothing like a good bit of pointless back and forthery about a hypothetical and distant border poll. Seriously, it is so pointless. The border is there, and it is not going anywhere in the near future. The sooner both Nationalist and (the seemingly insecure) unionist politicians get to grips with that, the better.

However, that wasn’t the only poll results that set the cats amongst the pigeons. Lucid Talk also kindly produced a poll on likely voting patterns which saw the DUP dip, and the TUV make 3% point of gains. This would apparently result in a Sinn Fein – UUP – TUV Top 3 in any future Assembly election. I’m not a Unionist, but Doug Beattie’s beard would be the most interesting thing about that entire setup.

Firstly, should the TUV ever gain a significant foothold within our assembly or political life then all of us should emigrate. I mean every one of us in N. Ireland. Just leave these 6 lovely counties as an empty warning to other countries not to be so daft.

The TUV is most famous for 3 reasons – 1. Grumpiness to everything 2. Lack of Diversity and 3. Jim Allister’s big miserable voice.

I really do understand that there is political polarization all around the world right now, but I think Jim Allister playing a leading role in the government would be enough to make the Taliban blush.

The Other Stuff

Beyond the border bickering, the kids are all back at school, so we await with complete and utter fear the next potential round of home schooling. Please get vaccinated if you haven’t already.  Please.

Lagan College also celebrated it’s 40 year anniversary this week. The college is the oldest integrated school in N. Ireland and, at the time, was met with a bucketload of hatred. Those who first attended were given an armed guard by Police. 40 years on though, only 7% of children in N. Ireland attend integrated schools.

There’s a depressing irony in the fact that we are also marking the 20th anniversary of the Holy Cross School ‘dispute’, when primary school kids also required a police escort on their way to school.

I promise the next round up will be happier…


Let’s go…

Welcome to my blog!

You can expect a healthy dose of comment on progressive issues, the world around us and the regular failings of those who are meant to look after the poor and weak (politicians).

However, there will be a large sprinkling of humour and happiness. In my upcoming series #betterworldkinderpeople I will talk about and speak to those people and organisations who dedicate their time and their lives to helping other people around the world.

So you can expect inspiring stories, progressive book reviews, my own jumble of thoughts about improving our world, and some advice from the experts who help, protect and save those who are unable to protect themselves.

See you soon


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