Police Ombudsman collusion report described as ‘clear as a puddle of sh*te’

There was widespread confusion across Northern Ireland after the publication of a report on RUC-Loyalist collusion by Police Ombudsman, Mrs Marie Anderson.

The report describes ‘collusive behaviours’ by the RUC at the time of UDA/UFF murders in the late 80’s and early 90’s.

Unionist scepticism

Both sides of the political divide in Northern Ireland claimed the report vindicated their views fully. DUP leader Jeffrey Donaldson MP (but not MLA), stated that the report ‘was as clear as a puddle of sh*te. All opinion, not one fact.” He said, while casually ignoring the facts about Special Branch helping Loyalists acquire ‘military grade weapons’.

Mr Donaldson, whose party supported one of the soldiers who was involved in the murder of innocent people on Bloody Sunday continued “Sure what about them’uns? Sinn Fein/IRA must have had informants too. They’re murderers. The RUC was a fantastic force. One of the best ever, if you ask me. What does ‘Collusive Behaviour’ even mean? It sounds like a late night film on channel 5. The RUC fought bravely and proudly against the horrors of Republican terrorism.” he added, fresh from his recent strategy meeting with Loyalist terrorists.

Sinn Fein anger

When questioned about the report, Michelle O’Neill, leader of Sinn Fein in the Northern Occupied Proud British 6 counties revealed her anger at the findings.

“Oh bies, I am real f**king angry over here, hey. Them b*stards were in bed with Loyalist terrorists. This behaviour is not surprising, we knew this, and it’s shameful they helped paramilitaries murder innocent people. There should be consequences”. said the Northern leader of the movement that killed over a thousand people here.

When asked if IRA members who carried out murders during the troubles should also suffer legal consequences for their crimes she said “No way, f**k that. Sure there’d be hardly any of us left not in jail, jaysus.”

The report has opened fresh wounds in Northern Ireland about how to proceed with justice and legacy issues. For now dealing with this matter, just like issues over flags, or paramilitary murals or the NI protocol, or fox hunting seems to be beyond the capabilities of the main parties at Stormont.

Opinion is divided between Unionist views, Republican views, and the truth. Though the DUP and Sinn Fein were both delighted to see a 300% increase in ‘positive engagements’ (or likes) around their tweets on the issue.

Public Opinion

Asking members of the public in Belfast city centre today their views on the matter, many feelings were summed up by one man, who wished to remain anonymous.

Asked whether it was likely to be an extremely difficult issue to resolve given the polarisation between the various political parties, the man was unimpressed.

“Listen, let me make this clear on behalf of all the normal people. It is easy to condemn all murders. IRA murdered people, Loyalists murdered people, some within the RUC and Army murdered – or helped – to murder people. If you’re in a position where you can’t condemn different murderers equally, then you’re doing something seriously wrong.”

He continued “There is a simple solution. We work out who killed who. Then either those murderers go to jail, or we give the whole sh*tting lot of them amnesty from jail and move on with our lives. Simple. If you think ‘your’ murderers should have amnesty from prosecution, but the other ones shouldn’t, then I’m here to tell you, you’re an idiot.”

Sinn Fein and the DUP are likely to ask for a deeper investigation, and also a complete end to the investigation, respectively. Sources for both sides have confirmed that negotiation, compromise or common sense will not be considered.

MJS

Leading bands announce NI Protocol Aid 2022

Rumours circulated today about the organising of a large concert to increase attention of, and bring aid to, those deeply affected by the N.I. Protocol.

Olde Time Rockers ‘Leaders of Unionism’ are understood to have agreed to headline the event, with backing from modern electro-rock group ‘Protestant Action Force’.

The man leading attempts to bring the groups together was quietly confident that he would be able to pull it off. “I’m quietly confident I will be able to pull this off”. He said.

Billy Primrose from the Loyalist Community Against Any Attempts to Bring About a United Ireland (L.C.A.A.A.B.A.U.I) group praised the Leaders of Unionism for continuing the tradition of Anti-everything that is steeped in the history of Unionist Music.

“The leaders of Unionism have been one of my favourite bands for years. I don’t want to give away my age but I was there back in the 70’s at all their shows. Obviously the shows were a bit more hardcore back then, and there were more berets, but I’ve loved them ever since. It’s an absolute privilege to help organise what could be their biggest show ever.”

The event seems to have been inspired by local businesses who have been suffering as a result of the N.I. Protocol. Unionist estimates suggest this could be up to as many as four affected businesses.

The event comes on the heels of the Leaders of Unionism’s U.K. tour and the Protestant Action Force’s album release ‘Burning Buses’. Both were thought to have been significant failures, with hopes that NI Protocol Aid 2022 could result in an upturn in fortunes for both bands.

When asked if any other acts were likely to be involved in the event, Mr Primrose said “Yes, we’re very excited to announce Loyalist Singer/Songwriter, Jamie Bryson, will be on first. He’ll probably take the 1.30pm-2pm slot, so I’d suggest showing up around 2.15pm. Though technically he’s not meant to have any other income, so if you could keep his appearance on the down low. Other than that we’re struggling to get many other acts.”

The venue is yet to be decided and has thrown up logistical issues given the current lack of telephone boxes in the Belfast area.

At least 10% of the money raised will be donated to the 4 businesses who have suffered under the N.I. Protocol.

Michelle O’Neill, Leader of Sinn Fein in Northern Ireland was asked what she thought of the proposal.

“Sure they’ve f**k all else to do with themselves haven’t they? Quitting on Stormont when they know there’s always a mid-term party during February. Just because them feckers don’t drink they’re going to ruin it for the rest of us. They can stick their concert up their arses, though I have to admit ‘The Protocol is no good at all’ by the Leaders of Unionism is a catchy tune”.

MJS

Unionists eager for world to end

Unionist political parties united yesterday to demand that the NI assembly at Stormont pushes forward in assisting an earlier end to the world than required.

Voting on an amendment tabled by the Green Party NI (now referring to themselves as GPNI in case Jim Allister thinks Green Party refers to Nationalism or Catholicism) committing to net zero emissions by 2050, Unionists rejected the need – and internationally accepted agreement – to halt the deterioration of our world and environment.

The target date – which is extremely conservative compared to the targets of many other nations – was seen as pointless by the Unionist parties in the assembly. The members of the UUP, DUP and TUV agreed with each other that the environment wasn’t really a big deal.

A spokesperson for the DUP – who wished to remain anonymous – said “What even is the environment? There are loads of trees about and why would anybody complain about the world temperature increasing? Sure we always complain Northern Ireland is freezing. Just imagine lying on a beach in your speedos at Millisle in 30°C heat. It’d be paradise. We’d never have to go abroad again”.

Jim Allister of the TUV when asked to comment grumbled something incoherent about Sinn Fein/IRA.

The target date is set to proceed after votes of support for the amendment from Sinn Fein, SDLP, Alliance and the Greens. (Not the nationalists, Jim.)

The once liberal UUP led by ex-progressive, Doug Beattie doubled down on the stance of the DUP.

Their leader, Doug Beattie, fresh from deciding he isn’t a misogynist anymore said “Listen, who cares if the world burns. Think of the tan.” He laughed. “Think of all the women in bikin.. men and women in bikin… eh.. just think of the sunshine. This is nothing to do with trying to win over some of the hardline unionist votes. Future generations can look after themselves.”

He continued “Sure we’ll probably be living on the moon by 2050 anyway. Probably be some of us married to aliens and all by then, living in spaceships. I’d just like to state I’ve nothing against aliens by the way, and I realise anything I said about them in the past is completely wrong.”

Nationalists were dismayed again by Unionist failure to read the room. Sinn Fein leader, Michelle O’Neill condemned them in no uncertain terms.

“Shower of sh*tes so they are. Sure why don’t we just set the world on fire you gormless ‘oul eejits. This just shows that Sinn Fein are like really hip and cool and left wing. Sure we’ve let fox hunting continue, but with this vote we’ve probably saved at least 10 polar bears and up to 40 penguins. I’m sure wee Greta Thurnberg would be f**king raging with these eejits”.

Working towards the target is due to begin in the near future with an exasperated Green Party NI statement saying that ‘contrary to comments on social media, there will be no policy of mandatory veganism, and people will still be allowed to drive cars’.”

Sinn Fein consider returning salaries

Sinn Fein Leader in Northern Ireland, Michelle O’Neill, suggested that her party may consider returning all of their MLA salaries for the past 6 months.

When asked why this was being considered, Ms. O’Neill spoke about the difficulties within both main Unionist parties.

“Without suggesting that our team of MLAs are not ready to work, or up to the work, it feels like the salary is unearned.” She continued.

“Given the troubles Jeffrey Donaldson has had with his double jobbing request, and just a shambles of a party really, it doesn’t feel like we have political opponents right now. When they screw everything up for themselves, we’ll just let them tear away. To put it bluntly, we’ve really been doing fuck all squared.”

“We’ve had a couple of students in releasing a few half hearted statements, but really what’s the point? If we say or do too much we’ll end up making a mess of something like the Unionists have done.”

“Even the big puppy dog, Doug Beattie of the UUP, turns out he’s a misogynist and a racist. Who knew. Just shows, you can like a man’s beard, but still think he’s a gobshite. The only positive for him is his leadership lasted longer than Edwin Poots.”

“Lucky in some ways I guess – even Sinn Fein being Anti-Fox Hunting in the 26 counties and voting to retain fox-hunting in the 6 counties barely registered. Even when we’re shit, we’ll never be as bad as the Unionists.”

Sinn Fein say they have made no concrete decision on the matter and will vote on the issue at a meeting of their Northern Ireland leadership by the end of the week.

Some comments from other Sinn Fein reps have suggested other options have been considered with the funds, including a huge ‘political training event’ for all Sinn Fein members – to take place in Ibiza.

Also under consideration is to commission an artist to create a huge 40 foot bronze statue of Gerry Adams, which would replace the ‘balls on the falls’ at Broadway roundabout. Sources though say the cost of security for the statue may prove prohibitive.”

When questioned on whether they would consider something similar an SDLP spokesman said they are not currently considering to return any salaries.

“There is a cost of living crisis. In the Stormont canteen the price of fresh cream buns has increased from £1.10 to £1.90 within the last 2 months. In such uncertain times it would be negligent of us to expect our MLA team to absorb these additional costs. They added “We don’t all get to have £500 a seat fundraising dinners with business leaders”.

Other parties at Stormont were unavailable to officially comment though two Unionist MLAs – who wished to remain anonymous – said they would be suggesting the ‘saying nothing is the best policy’ to their respective parties at the earliest opportunity. One of who said “If only we’d heard about this policy before now we ‘d have saved a whole lot of bother…”.

MJS