Private: MP Eyes Only – UC Uplift

** Private & Confidential – For the eyes of Members of Parliament Only **

Dear Chaps! (and you women),

Congratulations on our great success. We’ve managed to remove the Universal Credit Uplift that the scroungers were getting. As from the old Latin, Upliftus Expelliamus!

If I do say so myself, timing the end of the uplift to the same date as my big speech was a masterstroke. While all the peasants were crying over their free money being taken, the papers were talking about Baldy Duncan Smith getting bonked by a traffic cone. Let’s not pretend we haven’t all thought about doing that before!

(Only joking Duncers)

Even that bloody big mouth Marcus Rashford couldn’t stop us this time. Too busy listening to that God awful rap music and kicking footballs I suspect.

It was touch and go for a while but you all played your parts magnificently. We’d ruddy well put Hollywood to shame with the crocodile tears gushing out of half of you.

Even those little irritants in the devolved governments looked like they were going to cause some issues. In the end, what did Scotland, Wales and the Irish do? They sent a bloody letter. Fantastic, I nearly wet myself laughing when it arrived. My secretary could barely talk for laughing when she told me about it. A letter! Bloody hell! Marvelous.

Credit where it’s due though, those marxists in the Labour Party played their part to perfection. The videos with sad faces hanging off them and emotional tales from their constituents. You played a ruddy blinder. I was worried for a bit when that Raynor woman really went to town on us. Tory Scum indeed. Worked marvelously in our favour, really made it all seem so genuine.

As I always say though, what’s said and agreed in the pubs of Westminster, stays in the pubs of Westminster.

Keep your bloody mouths shut!

We’re not quite at the point of publicly boasting how we’ve screwed over the poor, but that will come soon enough. For now, let’s keep that good old Britannia tight lipped, no careless talk spirit.

If some twit from the Guardian or some other Communist publication should get hot and bothered about things do not let them get you riled.

Now is not the time to say Universal Credit is for scroungers.

Apparently 42% of people on benefits are in work. By fuck if I knew that! But its facts like these that will absolutely bugger us if more people hear about them. Play dumb! Dodge, Deflect, Dive, Duck, Dumb. Usual tactics.

If needs be tell the old duffers we’re building a hospital with the money saved, or a petting zoo or whatever old codswallop will shut them up.


One of the office interns told me the universal credit uplift makes up about 13% of an average UC scroungers monthly payment. After giving the little oik a good old thrashing for talking before being spoken to, I thanked him. It’s important to know thy enemy.

If these people would just go and get a better paid job, or walk up to their managers with a bit of the old British bulldog spirit and demand a pay rise, they wouldn’t be in this position.

As usual, standard operating procedure applies. Any difficult questions should be given short shrift – ‘no comment’, or if you’re feeling frisky give it a good old ‘fake news!’.

Our friends in Labour should stick to script too! Sad faces… Vivienne from my constituency said… it’s terrible.. yada yada.. and then bloody well get talking about that goddamn petting zoo!

Other than the usual suspects – bleeding heart snowflakes crying about the poor, we will be in the clear in next to no time.

Our donors and chums in the usual places – Mail, Times, BBC etc have been told to back off, so feel free to have a chat with them.

** Good Morning Britain is to be avoided **

Also, common sense approach to be taken around expenses. I don’t want somebody sniffing around expenses for anymore duck ponds, cinema rooms or bloody well ‘business trips’ to the Caribbean. Time to lie low for a few days until this all blows over. If they really looked into what our expenses go towards, when we’re making over £80,000 salary a year, we’d be buggered! If you’ve any business friends producing invoices as and when required, please make sure they’re reliable, or you have some leverage on them!

This has been an absolute bloody home run for us and it couldn’t have been done without your help. Though let’s be honest, it was mostly me. Thank you anyway, you wonderfully horrible people.


Prime Minister Boris D.H. Johnson

** The above article is satirical and I have no evidence to indicate the above is a true reflection of real facts or anybody’s genuine beliefs on any matters, especially the matter discussed therein….

Furthermore I release myself of any legal obligations and anybody who has read the above does so in agreement with this viewpoint. Thank you and goodnight**